Hey… Look… Lights!

So, here’s what happened.

A few weeks ago, Gina plugged a treadmill into a bedroom wall outlet. The treadmill went through a series of emotions; it started as being confused and groggy after such a long slumber. When the fog of slumber cleared, it became angry at the prospect of having to do work for the first time at its advanced age. After some thoughtful reflection, the anger dissipated to acceptance, then to amusement, and then to extreme laughter as it realized it was about to become a high-powered clothes-hanger. So-is the usual emotional life cycle of most exercise equipment; its as predictable as not using said equipment. Unfortunately, the rapid progression through the emotional cycle was too much for the house to take. The house was taken aback… “Why is that clothes hanger laughing so uncontrollably?”. Its a 19 year old house. Its mental facilities are not what they used to be, nor is its reaction time. The house reacted in a knee-jerk fashion and killed the circuit. The treadmill shutdown (abruptly interrupting its hyena-like cackles), as did multiple outlets around the house.

Mistake #1 was asking me to look into the problem. As I often say, if it doesn’t have a keyboard, I’m really not that useful. Needless to say, the house doesn’t have a keyboard. But, I’m a grown adult. I’ve been able to accomplish some handyman-like things without seriously injuring myself or loved ones. I headed to the breaker box and looked for an off breaker. There were none. That pretty much exhausted my entire fountain of knowledge, but I continued to at least pretend I knew what I was doing.

We turned on every light in the house, and I flipped through all of the circuit breakers looking for one that didn’t do anything. I found it, killed the main, and took it out. I’m a genius.

I suppose at that point I could’ve just gone to Home Depot and bought a new one, but that’s not my style. I wanted to prove the problem first, so I ran a coat hanger across the terminals to see what would happen. Kidding! Ha! that would be irresponsible. What I really did was look for something that I could test the breaker with. I settled on the hard wired garage door opener in the garage. It looked low voltage. What’s the worse that can happen? (Yes, I can see volts).I took the button off the wall, took the wires off the button, then jammed the wires into each side of the circuit breaker. I flipped the switch and the garage door opened. I’m not an electrician, but that suggested to me that the breaker was fine. It feels like a mechanical device, not an electronic. If it was electronic, then maybe it only stopped working at high voltage or something, but I didn’t think that was the case. I replaced it anyway, and as expected, nothing happened.

Weeks passed. Amidst another endeavor, I learned that any outlet within 5 feet of a water source needs to be on a GFI circuit. Our kitchen has a GFI outlet… that’s tripped before, and I already checked it. That wasn’t the problem. Then it occurred to me that maybe there’s another one. I looked around all of the outlets in the known affected areas. Nothing. Then, a few nights ago, I remembered there was an outlet by the pool outside the bedroom. With a little excitement, I ran out to check that, and it wasn’t a GFI. Also, the nite-lite I had been using to test wouldn’t fit through the cover, so I didn’t even know if it was on or not. So much for the GFI idea.

Days passed

Our friend Chris came over tonight. He’s an A/C and Electrician type person. He came equipped. He checked all of the circuit breakers, and they were good. Then he checked the outlets, and saw they were bad. So far, I hadn’t missed anything obvious.

He began a manhunt around the house insisting that there was a GFI outlet somewhere that we were missing. I believed him, but I had no idea where it was. 2 seconds later he found one behind the BBQ. “Huh”, I thought. He hit the button and nothing happened. I was relieved because I wanted it to be more of a challenge after being out for 3 weeks. He took apart the outlet and confirmed that there wasn’t any juice.Sweet.

But, the manhunt continued with renewed vigor. He circled the house on the outside, then started working through the inside. When we got to the garage we went separate directions and I found it. It was right next to the breaker box behind some cabinets. As soon as I saw it, I knew it had to be. After all, it was a foot away from where I spent 90% of my time trying to solve the problem. Of course it would be right there.

I snuck my hand back there, hit the button, and everything started working.

I guess I should feel silly for not finding it on my own, but I don’t. Its just one of those things. If I knew that it had to be a GFI outlet somewhere, then I would’ve found it (at least, I think I would’ve), but I had no idea what was wrong. I only looked for it previously because I thought that might’ve been it, not because I knew it. Chris knew for sure, and was on a quest as if Indiana Jones looking for a Crystal Skull of some sort. It was inspirational and changed my life in a positive way. I may join a commune.

Now I know that:

• My house has more than one GFI circuits
• One of the circuits has 2 switches on it
• Any outlet within 5 feet of water must be on a GFI circuit (learned that last week in an unrelated story)
• GFI circuits go all around the house. I always though circuits were pretty localized.
• There’s an outlet behind our cabinets
• I have no business trying to solve house hold problems

Although it may be silly to people with IQs, at least I had fun and didn’t burn the house down.

The treadmill wasn’t available for comment.

Is SCRUBS the sitcom version of Brett Favre?

I love the show scrubs. For a while, I thought it was the funniest show on tv. Its early seasons were excellent. When I come across the reruns, I almost always watch them.

But, its not what it used to be. It hasn’t been as funny or as good in the last few seasons. Every time Sarah Chalke attempts to act by tilting her head sideways with a seriously dramatic puzzled look, its almost disturbing.

Even the Dr. Cox stuff got old, and he’s a funny character. Some of his bits got so old that eventually the characters started mocking them. Kelso pointed out to him: “We get it Perry. You’re going to say a long list of funny things”. In fact, that was only one of many self referential jokes over the last couple seasons.

So, they started coming up with new types of jokes. In the 8th season, they introduced some new interns. The show never falls below decent, but it rarely achieves the greatness of its younger years. It has gotten goofier and goofier. The goofiness is occasionally interrupted by attempts at drama and serious TV.

So, when I heard that SCRUBS was ending after the eighth season, I was disappointed, but I couldn’t fault the decision. Its time to wrap it up. In fact, I got a little excited about the prospect of buying the entire series in a box set in a year or two; I have always said I’d be the first in line when the release that box set.

The 1 hour series finale was on last week. My optimistic acceptance of its ending was compromised by it being a great episode. The last few minutes were spectacular. They went out with a bang.

Over the last week, I read a rumor that they might continue the show with the interns and maybe some guest appearances from the main stars. Oh sure. That’ll work. Let’s recap successes of shows that tried to go on without its stars: X-FILES, AFTER MASH, THAT 70’S SHOW. Huh. That’s all I can think of. There must be more.

Then, just a few short moments ago, I read that Scrubs will probably be renewed, and most of the leads are signing back on. Some of them have other pilots pending; if the pilots get picked up, they’ll go to the new show. JD is signed for 6 episodes (supposedly).

Crap. I have mixed feelings on this. While a small part of me (lets say, my left thigh and perhaps part of an elbow) is looking forward to it, the rest of me would rather just move on.

To make it worse, it looks like they’re going to mess with the format. I have always appreciated that there was never a laugh-track or a studio audience. I’ve discussed this 2 times recently with different people. I typically don’t like other people laughing at a show I’m watching in an effort to get me to laugh. If its funny, I’ll laugh. If its not funny, I won’t laugh, and the laugh track will annoy me. I have a friend that really likes TWO AND A HALF MEN. Due to his praises, I’ve tried to watch it more than once. I find it not funny, and the fact that the audience (or laugh track) laughs at all of the non-funniness is distracting. An exception is “HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER”. Its not distracting there because I laugh at nearly every joke.

I’ll try to get back on point: I’ve always appreciated the no-fake laughing in Scrubs. I never realized it until today, but now I’m retrospectively appreciating that it was a one camera show. It always had a unique style about it; I suppose that’s why. Now, for season 9, they’re talking about trying a different format. Maybe multiple cameras. Maybe a studio audience. If I had to pick one or the other, i’d go with the multi-cameras. A laugh track that laughs at unfunny jokes will be disrespectful to years of funny jokes. It will cheapen the experience.

So, which way should I go on this. Do I want them to renew it or not? Fortunately, there’s no need for me to figure it out because whatever is going to happen will happen regardless of my opinion. If it comes back, I will watch it and hope for the best. If they don’t, then I’ll eagerly await the day that I can buy the complete series on DVD.

They want their two dollars!!

Yesterday, Gina, Chris, Liz and I went to City Place in West Palm Beach to participate in the American past-time of “dinner and a movie”.

We started off at the always enjoyable Cheesecake Factory, then walked over to the Muvico theater for the 7:30pm showing of “X-Men Origins: Wolverine”.

Other than the 2-story tall loud mouth a few rows back, it was quite an enjoyable experience. How could it possibly go wrong?

It went wrong in a funny way.

When you go into the garage, you hit a button, and a miracle of modern technology gives birth to a piece of paper with a strategically located magnetic strip of parking garage related information. I can only imagine the plethora of information that fills its bits:

1. The date and time you parked

That’s all I can really come up with.

Anyway, on your way out of the garage, you give that piece of paper to the garage attendant who is usually (but not always) a miserable person hardly out of high school. They usually just don’t want to be there. Sometimes they don’t say a word at all; they’re just waiting for you to go away so they can get back to reading a book or biting their nails. (As I said, that is “usually”. There are some pleasant people that deserve honorable mention.)

We parked on the fifth floor of the garage, because I’m really particular about where I park and a qualifying spot could not be found any lower. It is a Chrysler 300, after all. As we loaded up, someone realized that we didn’t get the ticket validated. Oh well, we can pay a few dollars… or can we? (Insert ominous fore-shadowing music).

I looked in my wallet and all of my pockets, but couldn’t find the ticket. So, I checked them again in reverse order. When that didn’t work, I checked the console and the floor. No ticket. Oops. Then, everyone got in on the action in a not-so-desperate search for the ticket.

So the ticket was lost. These things happen. Surely this couldn’t be the first time in the history of City Place that someone lost a ticket. So, we began the clock-wise descent down the parking garage. I quipped that hopefully it would be a lady so I could turn on the J-Charm (tm) and woo our way out of there. Unfortunately, it turned out it was a young lady. I say  “unfortunate” because J-Charm doesn’t actually exist; its a myth. Big foot is more factual than J-Charm, and then I found myself in the unfortunate position of having the demonstrate its lack of existence.

The girl at the gate seemed like she was 16 or 17. Maybe she was actually older; I’m very bad at determining people’s age. I’m not even sure how old I am. I pulled up to the window, gave her the “howdayado”, then told her that we lost the ticket.

I was mistaken. She wasn’t a 16 year old girl. Oh no. She was a Judge Dredd incarnate; no small talk; no sympathizing; no reasoning. She is the law. She passed judgment. “That’ll be $10”.

Its important to note here that I was wrong. I lost the card. If I had $10, I would hand it over. But, the fact is that this is the year 2009 and cash isn’t as necessary as it was way back in 2008 and 2007. We, as Americans, relish in the convenience of debit cards. City Place Parking, apparently, is anti-American and accepts only cash. They are very lucky that McCarthyism has past.

Despite my wrongness, the girl was without reason. I was prepared to present 4 movie stubs and a $100 receipt from Cheesecake factory, but she wasn’t interested. There were 4 adults in the car, and none of us had cash. I was sure we could scrape up a few dollars in change from the console, but she didn’t want to even talk. She just kept repeating “I AM THE LAW! I AM THE LAW”. Rob Shneider backed her up.

Since speaking civilly wasn’t an option, the only reasonable thing left to do was to ask for the supervisor. (Incase your wondering, aborting the mission and finding an ATM isn’t “reasonable” to me.). When I asked for the supervisor, her request/response programming took over, and she said she’d call him.

A few seconds later, the supervisor pulled up on his huffy bike and stepped into the booth to see what was going on. If the girl was 17, then he was 18. He was in awkward spot, though, because he had to back his employee. As I explained the situation to him, he relied on his many months of experience to relate to me as a person and tell me that he understood; if it was up to him, we’d work something out, but of course there are the books to consider. His job was at stake; he could get audited, and being short a few dollars would not be a good career move for him. But, we all know that’s bull. There are procedures to handle this type of thing.

I challenged that there must be a button to press that opens the gate. After all, security guards get in and out. He responded that the guards have a badge that opens automatically. Oh. That didn’t work. Strike 1.

It would appear that we were amidst a West Palm Beach stand off. The supervisor suggested that I backup and go back to the ATM. Again, I lost the ticket, so that would be the right thing to do… but surely there has to be something less extreme than that. I ignored his suggestion like it never happened.

Suddenly, the supervisor suggested that he could let me out for $6. I told him I don’t think we have $6, but we’d try. So, 4 full grown adults with full time jobs started digging through all of their personal belongings and every nook and cranny of a 35k car, pulling together a growing pile of change. At that point, it was ridiculous, but the only way to get out of this was to actually find $6, or exceed his patience. (I now realize that he could’ve called security or something, but that didn’t occur to me until later). At one point, I asked him he accepted food stamps. He said yes. Bummer. That back fired. I didn’t have any food stamps. In fact, I don’t even know if they exist anymore; isn’t it all electronic now… like cash? Strike 2.

At last count, we had $4.80. Chris thought it was $5.80, but I don’t remember it being that close. It was a silly pile of mostly small change. Finally, the guy asked how much we had, and I told him. He conceded to “Just give me $2. We’ll work something out”. $2 is, probably exactly what we owed. The first hour is free, then its a dollar each hour after that. Perfect. We gave him the $2, and the gate opened. He started lecturing me about the value of the ticket, and tried to convince me that he was probably going to get fired for letting me out. “Next time, treat the ticket like gold”. I didn’t appreciate that at all. I’ve been there a hundred times and never lost a ticket. I told him that, but he was too busy counting nickels to care. He got his little lecture in, so probably felt pretty good about himself.

In the previous paragraphs, I poke fun at the people in various ways, but I don’t mean it maliciously. The girl was not at all friendly, but she was, I suppose, professional. She was as personable as her Skynet programming would allow. The supervisor did the best he could, and was polite and did participate in the banter. But, neither of them had any chance of convincing me that there was no reasonable way out of this situation. Its a garage, not a court of law or the pentagon. Look at the evidence and gauge the situation, and then log that a ticket was lost. I could’ve mailed a check if it was that important, though I don’t know if City Place has the means of processing such an advanced technology.

Note to City Place: Look into things like “debit cards” and “credit cards”. The year is 2009; they’re common place. If you want to charge us a little extra for inconveniencing you with the wonders of modern technology rather than cash, then that would be preferable to the foolishness that happened last night. Again, I understand that I shouldn’t have lost the ticket, but you could be more accommodating. Its an imperfect world; people lose tickets. I would’ve been happy to pay the $10 on a debit card rather than $2 in nickels. (But, I would not have been happy to have to backup and go to an ATM because the parking garage is stuck in 1975). You’re located in West Palm Beach; its a modern shopping and entertainment part of town. Patrons have been spotted with cell phones, computers, sneakers that light up when you put your foot down, and other space-aged wonders. A lot of them got to City Place by using a thing called “GPS”. These may seem like scary times to your cash-carrying visionaries, but I assure you, it is all quite normal. Credit cards, too, are normal. Providing it as an option isn’t going to scare anyone or confuse them to such an extent that they will no longer go to City Place. In fact, to some, it might even be considered a good service. To others, such as myself, its an expected service.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to take my horse and buggy to wall street so that I can trade in my bag of cash to purchase some stock certificates. This week I’m going to invest in lead paint futures.

Funny THE ONION headline

I don't actually read THE ONION anymore. But, I read the headlines via my RSS reader. Few of them actually make me laugh, but this one did.

In Focus: Casual Friday Claims Lives Of 13 Nuclear-Waste-Disposal Technicians

I haven't read the article. The headline is good enough for me.