Mickey Mouse vs. Special Agent Oso: Rumble in the Clubhouse

 

Over the last 19 months and 1 week, I have watched quite a bit of the Disney channel. Some of it I like. Some of I don’t. “Phineas and Ferb” is genius; I love that show. However, that is a story for another day.

Today I would like to discuss Mickey Mouse and Special Agent Oso. They both have educational shows on the Disney Channel. They both help your children, and mine, learn family values, how to count, and how to recite the alphabet.

Mickey is a good teacher, a good friend in Mickey land, and a pleasant character. He asks questions and assumes the answers. As he does so, you sense that he is teaching. In order to teach you must know the answer to that which you ask. He leads you to the answers, and you feel happy to participate. But, if you weren’t there to provide the answers, Mickey would be ok. He doesn’t need you, but he likes your company and wants you to join in.

Special Agent Oso is a complete idiot. He is the dumbest fictional character I have seen on the Disney channel. When he asks the audience questions, it’s because he honestly doesn’t know the answer even though his stupid watch gave him the exact answer a few scant moments before. It’s as if they put a brain in him just so they could remove it. It’s hard to watch. How did this guy become a special agent? Surely even in the fictional world of espionage there is some set of standards that a fictional animal based character must meet in order to enter the program. Oso is a hair dumber than a pineapple, so it makes more sense to allow a fruit salad into the agency than this guy.

I’m often reminded of the equally awful movie AI, in which a stupid robot boy finds himself stuck at the bottom of the ocean for a few millennia accompanied only by a teddy bear. I always felt bad for the teddy bear because he had to sit next to the Sixth Sense kid that whole time, and listen to his useless babbling. Fortunately, he was only a teddy bear and probably didn’t possess auditory capabilities, but let’s suppose he did. By Oso standards, that teddy bear is a genius and should be president of the universe. Not only did he have the physical prowess, but he also had the mental toughness that can only be obtained from thousands of years of psychological torture. Oso is at the opposite end of the spectrum.

Here’s what I propose: We need a Micky Mouse / Special Agent Oso cross over episode in which Mickey can really lay the hurt onto Agent Oso. To be fair, the showdown should occur in a neutral location; maybe Handy Manny wouldn’t mind if they use his town. All 3 shows are 3Dish, so it should all render just fine.

Once all key personnel have arrived in Manny land, we need a way to provoke the fight. Mickey is too much of a nice guy to do anything, and Oso can hardly put together a sentence never mind initiate an offensive action. So, we need a third party intervention. I live in the real world, so can’t directly participate, but I can push some buttons. I never trusted Pluto; he has a mean streak in him. I can throw him a couple Scooby-snacks to buy his loyalty. Then I can instruct him to steal a pair of Minnie Mouse’s underwear and tell Oso that they’re a ski mask for his next special mission: “Get Your Ass kicked in 3 easy steps:

Step 1: Put Minnie’s underwear on your head because someone said they’re a ski mask and you’re too dumb to know otherwise

Step 2: Find Mickey

Step 3: Get Your Ass kicked“

I think that’s all it will take. Paw Pilot might be a problem, but once she’s done outlining the 3 simple steps, we have no further use for her. The watch will have a urine related “accident”, courtesy of our good friend Pluto and a couple more Scooby-Snacks.

Then it’s on. Mickey will completely flip out. “Hey kids, do you think I should evicerate Oso then tear his head off?” Pause to await an answer. “Alllllll right!”. Then the assault will begin in earnest.

We must not forget that despite being a dolt, Oso is still a Panda. As we learned in Kung Fun panda, he may have some defensive instincts that override his stupidity instincts. Mickey’s ears are particularly vulnerable… why did evolution put those things on the outside? It’s possible that Mickey will get a nick or two, but honestly, does it matter? His ears are big enough to provide DirectTv to the entire population of Mickey land. A nick or two isn’t going to matter.

In the end, Mickey will prevail. He will beat the stuffing from Special Agent Oso. It’ll be vicious and rewarding. But then, after he tears Oso’s stupid head from his stupid body and uses it a foot rest, he’s going to realize that it takes two to tango, and his next target will be Minnie. But, Mickey is a good guy despite his fury. He’s not going murder her, but he will speak harshly to her and make her feel bad about herself. He’ll tell her that she looks like a prostitute wearing those stupid high heels. But, he will inadvertently offend Daisy Duck in the process because she too wears the prostitute shoes. Daisy will get over it, though, because she has always been deeply in love with Mickey, and will overlook the insult especially now that Minnie is out of the picture. We can safely expect Minnie to kill herself within an episode of two which, to be honest, is a good thing. She’s still living in the 1950s. She doesn’t appreciate or value the role of women in the world today, and is content to sit at home waiting on the boys. It’s disgrace to women, fictional and non-fictional, everywhere.

And then the carnage is done. Oso is dead, Minnie is out of the picture and likely to be dead shortly, and Daisy has a real shot at bringing her deranged Mickey related fantasies to life (especially if he actually likes the prostitute shoes and was only lashing out). The only victim in all of this is Handy Manny who has to clean up the mess. There will be stuffing everywhere, not to mention the emotional damage to the residents of his tool belt. But, fortunately he has his super big latex work gloves to protect him from AIDS and other communicable diseases that are likely to pollute the remnants of the battle; Every time he puts the gloves on, he is reminded of his last outing to the Hostel where he engaged in recreational kidding. Seriously… have you seen the gloves?

I hope you enjoyed this adventure. Now it’s time for the hot-dog dance. See you reallllll soon!

Tv Update

Aint it Cool news is reporting some updates to the tv schedule.

ABC Cancels Flash Forward, Scrubs, Better Off Ted, and Romantically Challenged. They renewed V.

I would’ve dropped V and kept Flash Forward.

I’m sorry to see Scrubs go, but I understand.

Better off Ted is a shame. It’s a very funny unique show. I mourn it’s loss.

Despite Alyssa Milano in the lead role, I’ve never watched Romantically Challenged. The title is enough to keep me away.

Chuck is Renewed

This is the important one. Now that Chuck is renewed, it doesn’t matter what happens to any other show.

It’s only 13 episodes…. I don’t know if that’s how it usually works or not. Maybe they order the second 1/2 later? Regardless, 13 is a good start.

The Best Game I’ve Played Lately

I’m a casual gamer. I used to play them a lot more than I do now, but even when i played every day I never considered myself more than a casual gamer. Most 9 years old can destroy me.

The result of my casual approach is that I end up giving a lot of games a score of 5 (on the DvdFriend rating system). If it’s not a 4 or a 5 in my humble opinion, then I usually don’t end up finishing, thus I don’t rate it.

So, I like my games. Here’s at least a partial list of the last several games.

• Splinter Cell Conviction (in progress; a complete blast)
• Mass Effect 2
• Modern Warfare 2
• Little Big Planet
• Heavy Rain
• Uncharted
• Uncharted 2
• Lost Planet
• The Devil May Cry 4
• Halo ODST
• Prince of Persia
• Resistance 2
• Infamous

Those who know me may notice that Burnout Paradise isn’t on the list. That game is on a list all by itself, but it is no longer recent. I’ve been playing that for 2 and a half years now. It is purposely excluded.

Aside from BP: The game i think about more than the others; the game I keep wanting to go back to play again; aka: the best game of recent memory: Infamous. Such a great game; a ton of fun and an excellent story.

If you haven’t, then play Infamous.

That’s all I have to say about that.

SCUBA Hurling Episode 2: The Whining Continues

After getting off the boat 2 weeks ago, I was convinced that my scuba career was over. But, once I was feeling better, I mentally committed to trying it again.

This time, I took two Dramamine before going to bed the night before, then two Triptone in the morning. Surely this onslaught of meds would be enough to overwhelm my otherwise untainted system and prevent the dreaded sea sickness.

Wrong. The fact is, I was going diving no matter what. It was just a matter of controlling how sick I would be leading up to it. And, while it wasn’t a pleasant experience, it wasn’t nearly as bad as last time.

I made a point of standing up as we headed out to the site. I wasn’t feeling great, but tried to ignore it as much as I could. When it came time to put the gear on, though… it started to get bad. The wetsuit fits tight, and the weight belt weighs 16 pounds. All of that pressure on my delicate innards wasn’t working to my advantage. At the site, the master diver determined the currents were too strong there, so in the interest of safety we were going to another site 5 minutes away. I opened up the wet suite and loosened the weight belt, and felt immediately better.

I did spend a little time hanging over the side of the boat retching, but I’m not sure if it was before the first dive or not. I can’t say for sure, but I think I made it into the water without incident. When it was time to dive, my internal instinct was “are you nuts?”, but did so anyway. Once again, I enjoyed the sensation that I plunged a couple feet below the water and kept breathing unhindered. It was more natural this time.

I made it this far the last time before failing, so no real success yet. When we started to descend, I had the same questions running through my head as last time, but I felt much better this time so could concentrate on the answers. An important point that was clarified is that it doesn’t matter how fast you’re descending, as long as you can equalize. My concern last time is that I didn’t know how fast I was dropping, so maybe it was too fast. But, I was equalizing fine, so it was ok. Also, I was able to move my head and look at the gauges without incident, so I tried to get used to that. But, more importantly, I trusted the people I was with. It didn’t matter if I didn’t know what was going on, because they did.

This time, we descended along a rope that the first driver unraveled as he descended.  I was instructed to use it as a guide, but used it as a hand hold more than once. It occurred to me later that the guy unraveling the rope was probably wondering “who’s the idiot trying to pull this out of my hand?!” The descent really was a lot of fun. It was weird to look down and see the other divers progressing. Due the currents, etc, they weren’t descending straight down; it was at a pretty good angle and winded a bit. At last, I was enjoying diving.

At some point, the instructor started giving me some hand signals that I didn’t grasp. It turns out we were about to hit the bottom. Surprise! I guess I stopped paying attention at some point, and there suddenly was the ground.

Visibility seemed decent to me, but it’s my first real dive, so what do I know? People skin appeared to be completely white; I had to remind myself that the color wasn’t right; if it was, then it would’ve meant that everyone was simultaneously bleeding out, which would be weird.

Once on the bottom, we just swam around. We saw a turtle and an eel, a lot of those fish fellas, some coral, etc. Good stuff. It was a lot of fun.

I was using my arms to swim, which I shouldn’t have had to do. I was later advised that maybe I was slightly negatively buoyant when I should’ve been neutral. That makes sense, but also, I wasn’t really swimming with my legs correctly. I was using mostly just foot instead of leg, which limited me. But, all things considered, I think it went pretty well. I obviously need a lot more practice, but it was a good first go.

The guy that was holding the rope ran into a problem. His tank fell off his back. Go figure. Apparently someone didn’t tighten up enough. The instructor went over to help him. He was having a hard time standing still because he was holding the rope, so I grabbed it for him. I figure that automatically should’ve made me an expert. A rescue mission on my first dive, even if I was only rescuing some rope. Someone had to.

Then came the ascent. I’m probably confusing one ascent with the other, so this might not be accurate, but this isn’t an official historical document so a certain margin of timeline inaccuracies is acceptable. Actually, now that I think about it, I think it was the second ascent which means the first ascent wasn’t memorable…

The point of recreational diving is that you don’t have to stop while ascending; it’s a non-decompression dive. But, still, it doesn’t hurt to hang out at about –15 feet and let some nitrogen leave your body. We did that for about 3 minutes. This is the tricky part that I’ll have to work on; just hovering at the same level and keep track of not going up or down. It looks like a more manageable task when you have the wrist computer rather than the maneuvering the gauge hanging off the tank. Once again, I just trusted the instructor and hung out until he said go. Looking up, though, it was neat to see the sun shining through the water’s surface.

Fun fact: on the first ascent, I screwed up and hit the DEFLATE instead of INFLATE button. Whoops. But, I swam straight up anyway and didn’t realize what I did until I’d broken the surface.

The waters were rough. Hanging out at the surface wasn’t a lot of fun. You should be able to inflate the BCD and relax, but I kept tipping forward instead of backwards. I still had the regulator, so being face down wasn’t a problem, but it wasn’t the ideal position.

The boat came up to us. The illogical part of my brain thought it was going to run me over. The logical part, though, kept its wits and prevailed.

You’re supposed to take your fins off and hand them to the dive master, then climb on to the ladder. They suggested deflating the BCD a bit so  you don’t bounce around as much in the process. But, there was a lot of bouncing. Taking off the fins while not getting hit in the face with a boat isn’t as easy as it sounds, at least not for a land bloke such as myself.

As for “climbing the ladder”… my implementation of that is far less elegant. At that point, I was getting dizzy and nauseous again, so it was more like “barely drag yourself out of the water without cracking your skull”. Dang sea sickness.

I secured my own gear this time, which was an improvement, but then immediately had to lay down. I wasn’t really sick, but I could feel it coming, so it was preventive more than anything. Two weeks prior, I was laying down because I didn’t have a choice. This time, it was damage control. The instructor helped me out in a huge way by setting up my gear for the next dive. When we got close to the next sight, he confirmed that I was going again. Rafael told me he didn’t think I would. But, as long as I was laying there, I didn’t feel too bad. Even if I did get sick, I was committed to going again. The dive part was fun; just had to get off the boat.

When it was time, we did go pretty quick. I got up, got the gear on, headed to the back of the boat, hurled over the side, then jumped in.

The big difference with this dive is that I had to do stuff for the certification; the first dive was just looking at the fish and getting comfortable. The second one involved some work.

Here’s the crazy thing; they expect you to flood your mask and clear it without drowning?!?!? This is supposed to become a natural thing, but it’s not yet. I ended up with some water up my nose and in my mouth. I had to try it two or three times before getting it somewhat right. It’s the “not drowning” part that makes it challenging. Flooding the mask is easy.

The current at the bottom was great. We tried to get situated on the ground to do our things, and it kept pushing us away. It was fun. We got separated from the others just because we went where the current brought us. I was wondering how that was going to resolve itself, but somehow we ended up regrouping. We ascended a bit before the others; I was burning through my air a little quick.

This time, on the surface, they changed strategies. They instructed us to remove our fins before moving to the ladder. That helped; once at the ladder, I only had to drag myself on to the boat.

Once again, I secured my gear then laid down. There was more round of retching, but I’m pretty sure that was later. I made it a point to not lay down any longer than I had to; I have to start getting used to this.

Being sea sick isn’t any fun, but the diving part is. Hopefully I can find the balance. There were two people on the boat who were worse off than I was last time; they never even got in the water. One guy was completely down for the count for the entire trip; that was me two weeks ago. He couldn’t even lean over the side to take care of business; the stench wafted across the deck, and I thought of the scene from STAND BY ME where everyone got sick. Fortunately, that didn’t happen.

I have two more dives to go before I can be certified. Now that I’ve corrected the travesty of 2 weeks ago, I’m not in a big rush for it, though I would like to get it done so that I can put it behind me and be ready for a purely recreational trip. I’m perfectly content to wait until after Ellie arrives, and things settle down (including the seas). Alternatively, though, I can see about finishing up during the week when dad-duties are less demanding.

Despite all my whining and moaning, I now see the fun of SCUBA diving and I cautiously look forward to next time. I’m not a fish. I watch TV and play video games. The depths of the ocean is not my natural habitat. While it’s great fun in the water. It’s negative fun on the boat. Unfortunately, you’re on the boat more than you’re in the water.

Congrats to Dave to getting his certification. He too hurled-a-plenty, but came out with the certification regardless.

Status of Tv Shows

 

I just read this article on Tv.com

http://www.tv.com/whats-been-renewed-whats-been-canceled-whats-left/story/22757.html?tag=hotspot;gumball;1

I’ll only comment on those that I have seen, which aren’t many.

Castle – RENEWED: It’s a decent show, but I don’t think it’s anything special. It’s kind of formulatic (Wilson is to House as Castles’s daughter is to Castle). I watch it, but not with any great interest. I wouldn’t be traumatized if it got cancelled, but it’s not, so it doesn’t matter.

Better Off Ted – LIMBO: I’ll be very disappointed if TED gets cancelled. It’s original, no laugh-track, great characters, and very funny every episode. I hope it is renewed.

Desperate Housewives – LIMBO, but likely to return: don’t care.

Flash Forward / V – LIMBO: The article says that one will probably survive. I’d vote for Flash Forward, which has been much better since the break. V is a big failure. What worked in the 80s doesn’t work today, not the same way. I still watch V, but if it were gone tomorrow, no loss. At least FAST FORWARD is getting better and is occasionally interesting.

Happy Town – too early to tell: I liked the first episode. I look forward to the second one.

Scrubs – Probably cancelled: I ranted on Scrubs last year. I made a joke to the affect of it being the Brett Favre of tv; every time you think it’s retired, it comes back. With that in mind, maybe it will return. Anyway, Scrubs was excellent for many years, then it started to be less funny and more ridiculous, but every episode is good for some laughs. The new version of it is weak, but I still enjoy it. However, I will completely understand if it gets cancelled. I’m looking forward to the day that I can buy the complete series for a reasonable price; the early seasons are classic funny.

How I Met Your Mother – Renewed: This show is great. It has a laugh track, which I hate, but the show is so funny that the laugh track is ok because I laugh with it. We haven’t seen most of this season due to DVR conflicts, but will catch up as we always do. I thoroughly enjoy everything about this show.

The Mentalist – Limbo, will probably be renewed: This is a good show, but not great. I’m trying to decide if I’d be disappointed when it gets canceled… I don’t think I would be. I think I’d just shrug it off. (Actually, if it gets cancelled, I’d really look forward to seeing how Psych reacts to it.)

Smallville – Renewed: Celebrating 10 years of mediocrity. We have watched this since day 1, and I’ve rarely enjoyed it since. Gina likes it, and I watch it just out of habit, and I guess when it ends (after at least 10 years), I would notice its absence. Clark’s been whining for 10 years. In 10 years he hasn’t figured out how to fly. Poor me… poor me… You’d think that the entire female cast would be a bunch of vegetables after the number of times they’ve been kidnapped and knocked out; repeated head trauma does have affects to which these people seem to be immune. I used to like the show because “every week he would do something cool”, but even the novelty of that has worn off. This show never committed; it’s just 10 years of Clark whining about his place in the universe. Man-up already.

Bones – Renewed: I like this more than Smallville. And, like Smallville, Gina likes it more than me. It’s pretty good, but it just barely registers over mediocrity. The characters are light hearted and fun, but then they show the most disturbing images of bodies. Every episode is a conflict like that. It’s like Charlie Brown stomping Lucy to death. I’ve been saying for years that Bones should be canceled when better shows have been, but no one listens, so it’s no surprise it’s back.

The Cleveland Show: Renewed: I watched the first three, and couldn’t take it any more. It lacked everything that makes Family Guy so great. Maybe I should check out some more recent episodes, now that it’s had time to get its footing.

Family Guy – Renewed: Pure genius, almost every episode. Enough said.

Fringe – Renewed: We watched the first several episodes, then lost interest. That was a regrettable mistake… I’ve wanted to start over, but it’s not on NETFLIX ON DEMAND yet. I’ll give this a second go.

Glee – Renewed: This isn’t my kind of show. I watched the first couple, though, and thought it was pretty good. Well written, etc. But, that appreciation only got me through a few episodes, then I called it quits. Everyone else seems to like it, though, so I’m glad it’s back for them.

The Simpsons – Renewed: Does it matter what anyone thinks about the Simpsons? I’m pretty sure that if it ever finally ends, it would trigger an event that would result in the end of the universe. It must live on!

24 – Done: No single season of tv will ever be better than season 1 of 24. But, it hasn’t lived up to it since. It’s has some good seasons and some bad seasons, and it has run it’s course and is time to end. The current season has been very good over the last few episodes. It’s exciting. I like 24 and will watch it as long as they make them, but it’s time to move on. (During season 3 or 4, i suggested that they should change the format of the show and just call it CTU; drop the real-time approach. The amount of things they do in 24 hours is pretty absurd; everyone is 14 seconds away from everyone else at any given time. This season’s most blatant abuse was the parole officer coming to visit at 2am; ridiculous.)

Dollhouse Canceled: – Second season was better than the first. I enjoyed it, and was sorry to see it go.

House – Limbo, but probably back: House is such a great show. Very few episodes are duds; i laugh a lot and I laugh hard. This show cannot die.

Human Target – LIMBO: I like it, but will understand if it gets canceled. I can imagine that Haley regrets signing a contract for a tv show now that his movie career is getting some momentum.

Lie to Me – LIMBO: Negligible. See ya.

30 Rock – RENEWED: Completely great. I’m always behind one season, though. I didn’t keep up with it so I have to wait for them to come to Netflix.

Community – RENEWED: I stopped watching it, but only because there was too much stuff on tv. Community was funny, and I’m glad it’s back.

The Office – RENEWED: This will go down in history as legendary comedy.

Parenthood – RENEWED: Watched a couple, and didn’t care for it. I’m surprised it’s renewed.

Parks and Recreation – RENEWED: See community; same comments here.

CHUCK – LIMBO: It’s a crying shame that Chuck has to fight for survival every season. Sooner or later, it will lose the battles, and I will be sad. Hopefully this is not the year. If you do not watch Chuck, please do. It’s the most clever thing on tv.

Trauma – LIMBO, but probably canceled: This was doomed from the beginning, which is too bad. I’ve kept up with it on HULU, and it’s good. I read that it’s too expensive to keep going, which is too bad. It’s good characters, and good stories. I’d like to see it get renewed, but it doesn’t look like it will. I haven’t become very attached because they’ve been proclaiming doom from the beginning.