I don’t like to complain. As a general rule, I’m a passive person. I have my pet-peeves, sure, but I try to be reasonable about them. And, when I am unreasonable from time to time, I feel bad about it.
The troublesome issue of which I now speak is not such a pet peeve; it exceeds pet-peeve. It legitimately warrants my displeasure. I have thought rationally about it and can say, with confidence, that I will not regret writing this post when I wake up tomorrow morning. The WII FIT exercise game has left me no choice but to rant, and rant I shall.
Those of you who play WII FIT may guess (dare I say unsuccessfully) as to the target of my complaint. Perhaps you, too, find the amount of warnings, dialogs, and A buttons is excessive. Or, maybe you are bothered by the blatantly low-def graphics that make you yearn for your XBOX 360. Or, maybe… just maybe… you find it odd that your WII FIT AGE ranges +/- 15 years from one day to the next. With those complaints I sympathize, but they are merely nuisances compared to the actual problem of this game. Had I spent any significant time complaining about those other types of things, surely I would feel regret the pettiness.
I’m afraid that my issue is much more severe. It may have been experienced and discarded by other players as just a fact of gaming, but I hope my perspective on it will cause some of them to reconsider their position and treat it as a serious offense as I have.
I am referring to the occasional unavailability of the female trainer. When I signed up with the WII FIT, I was given the option of two trainers: male and female. After carefully considering their credentials, I chose the female to be my capable guide on the road to fitness success. It wasn’t a decision I made lightly; it was a crucial decision at a crucial time; there were a lot of things that I had to consider such as “which one is a girl” and “which one is not a guy” and “which one is a girl”. After mentally compiling the results, I selected the female. Anatomically, she is both a girl and not a guy which fits my criteria perfectly. And, as a bonus, she is a girl.
The relationship started strong. It is, after all, a business relationship founded on cold hard cash. Whenever I wanted to play, I would start it up, and she would be there waiting. We’d do some yoga and some strength exercises; she’d find nice ways to say “you suck” after doing pushups, and verbally applaud me after the balance exercises. It was better than cordial; I believe there was a mutual respect that, over time, evolved towards a friendship.
Then one day last week, I started an exercise, and I was presented with the male trainer. He stood before me flaunting his non-female’ness in a subtle but unavoidable way. Sure, he was polite and professional, but it was just a mask. He apologized for the absence of the female trainer, and hoped that he would be sufficient. Of course, the WII FIT didn’t allow me to respond; it just assumed that I would be ok with it and proceeded without giving a second’s pause.
I reluctantly bit my lip and did the exercise. I didn’t want to overreact. But it bothered me and threatened to bubble over.
Fortunately, the female trainer returned for the next exercise. I didn’t say anything… what could I say that wouldn’t sound whiny? But, things weren’t the same from then on. I knew it, and she knew it after a couple more exercises. The relationship had been damaged, but I didn’t think irreparably. In time, I thought we could recover.
And then she did it to me again 3 days later! The nerve! What else does she have to do that she can’t show up for my work out? Is she in another WII Channel playing Donkey Kong? (Incidentally, even though Donkey Kong is 30 years old, I can’t get past level 2). The first time I was willing to accept the betrayal as a fluke occurrence. But, the second time… the second time was maddening. How dare she! After all of those promises of “If you ever want a fitness tip, I’ll be here” and “Whenever you want to work on trimming your waist line, I’ll be here”. Well, I wanted a fitness tip. She wasn’t there. I wanted to trim my waistline. She wasn’t there. Talk is cheap.
But I am partly to blame, for even after the first offense, I was a gullible sucker, believing her every word. I trusted in the sanctity of the trainer/trainee bond, and she spat on it. And then she wanted to do the SUN SALUATION yoga pose as-if nothing had happened.
Well, I can play that game too. Sure, go ahead, do your yoga poses and say your randomly selected insincere lines. Tell me how strong I am, and how great my center of balance is. Go ahead. Keep on saying it. I’ll listen, and I’ll play nice. But know this: once I shut off the WII, you are dead to me. You are no longer a friend, a trainer, or even a person; you are just bits on a DVD. When I’m done with you, I’m going to play with my XBOX 360. The XBOX 360 is HI-DEF, peasant! It doesn’t toy with my emotions. It delivers what it says its going to deliver. When I pick a game, it doesn’t say “no, play this game instead”. What it lacks in personality it compensates for with integrity. And when it comes to game systems, integrity is what is important.
So you take your fancy-shmancy balance board, and tell your lies and make your false promises. I now see the real you; while the outside you is moderately hot (as far as video games go, but you’re no Lara Croft), the inside you is just plain ugly, and I will waste no more thought on you. All that’s left between us is the workout. We could’ve had something special, but you ruined it.
But be warned: do it again, and maybe I’ll start poking around in your personal life; see what you do when the WII goes off. Find out who your friends are. Where you like to hang out. What are your dirty little secrets? This is the information age, and I know how to google. Go ahead. Try me. Don’t show up one more time and lets see what we can dig up.
