To Music: "Let's go to outback tonight...

...and physically threaten Jay, but end up just humiliating your self and your family, get verbally slapped repeatedly, then leave the restaraunt with your tail between your legs... at the outback tonight!"

I'm not sure if the Outback theme music is perfectly suited for my new lyrics, but that's the best I can do. The song is sung, of course, from the perspective of the older fat gentleman at table 17.

So here's the story. I'm sure I will embellish some stuff for entertaining affect, but I won't at all embellish the core of the story. An embellishment has already occurred, actually. You see, I don't know that he was sitting at table 17. I don't know what table number it was, so I just made one up. That in no way compromises the integrity of the story, though, for he was sitting at a table and "Table 17" sounds better than "Some table".

The following is a true story.

Gina and I were at the Outback. Our conversation alternated between Jack, work, and maybe some other occasional foolishness. We just sat there, minding our own business. And, when I say "minding our own business", I don't mean it the sarcastic way in which I say one thing but imply something else altogether. We were, actually, sitting there minding our own business. Then this big (as in fat) older dude (60?) comes walking up to the table out of nowhere. I was a little puzzled about that... I didn't even see him walk over, I just saw him arrive. Did I know him? Did he think us to be a swell couple and wanted to buy our dinner? I really had no idea. I said "Hello", or "How are you", or something to that affect. He then started with "You've been sitting there staring at me, and I want to know why." Gina thought he was kidding, but I knew otherwise. He was facing me, not her, and I could see he was pissed about something.

"I wasn't staring." I responded, quite surprised.
He repeated himself, more or less, so I repeated myself more or less. I was perfectly reasonable to that point, then he said it again, getting more aggressive. It was really going nowhere. Being rational wasn't working. After his next iteration of "Why are you staring at me?"
I collected myself, looked him straight in the eye and responded "I find you very attractive."

There were a few moments of silence there. Gina laughed, but at that point she came to realize the guy wasn't goofing around. He took a step closer to me trying to achieve a dominant stance and stared down at me. (Inside tip #1: That doesn't work on me.) I mentally calculated what could actually happen at this juncture. The worse case scenario, really, is that he would start swinging at me in a room full of witnesses. Plus, he had to be at least 60 and was very clearly out of shape. He'd probably break a hip before he landed the first punch. Also, the odds of him actually wanting to do that were slim to done. He thought he was going to walk over, put me in my place, then go back to Table 17 victorious. Not today.

Anyway, that was my inner monologue. When we last left the narration, we were within a few moments of silence after I told him that I find him very attractive. Finally, he got his wits about him, and he started a new series of repeating himself.

"You're a wise guy, hey?" Something like that. That sounds like a movie quote, but that's actually what he said (or similar).
I responded simply, "Yes", and he asked a couple more times, and I said "Yes" a couple more times. And when I said it, I said it seriously as if answering a ligitimate question. At that point, his mental gears (both of them) were spinning trying to figure out what to do. So that's when he made mistake #2. "If you stare at me one more time, we'll see what happens. Don't even look over at me."

Inside Tip #2: Don't threaten me.

Again, this is an older guy, and I'd like to think we live in a civil society. The absolute last thing I would ever do would be to get up and respond in any physically threatening fashion, or yell, or do anything equally as stupid as what he was doing. It was really pretty silly... what did he really think he was going to accomplish? He should've licked his wounds and went home at that point.

While in some respects I agree with the boy scouts, Inside Tip #2 prevails. He went back to his table, sat down and looked over at me, and there I was staring at him.

Now, the poor guy is just lost.

It was really pretty bizarre. Gina asked what that was all about, and I really didn't know. I was on one side of the table, gina was on the other. 45 degrees to the right was the booth wall. 45 degrees to the left was that guy's table. If ever I wasn't looking at Gina, then really that's the only other place my gaze could've naturally gone, though it certainly wouldn't have gone to that guy of all people. There was no eye contact, and if he walked by in another circumstance, I probably wouldn't even have recognized him from that table. Now, though, I took notes.

Older cranky dude was there with his wife, a younger couple, and the younger couple's two kids. So, I'm thinking Grand Parents, Parents, Grand Children. They looked like a nice family. I still think 5/6ths of them probably were, but #6 didn't take his meds or something. I made a point of looking over to the guy several times, and staring whenever appropriate. When a waiter walked by, I asked him to get the manager. The guy yelled something over at that point, but I don't remember what it was. I responded "Don't worry, I'm getting the manager."

Now, the guy tried to get witty and it didn't work. He flagged down a waitress and asked her to send the manager to my table. She knew something was amiss and stopped by first. "You need a manager?", "Yes, we already let someone know." So, I called over to the guy to thank him for his help.

Somewhere along the way, he started giving me that italian flick under the chin. I mock laughed at it enthusiastically and made like he finally landed a shot. Its hard to describe what I did, but some combination of the words "sarcastic" and "mocking" applies. Then he shook his fist, which was pretty pathetic. I think I heard a bone crack.

The manager made his way over, and I told him quite simply. "That guy just came over and threatened me. I just want you to be aware of it incase it escalates." The manager didn't know what to do. He asked if wanted to change seats. Of course not. Even Gina said no to that, and she's the more level headed of the two of us in these types of situations. The manager didn't really know what to do then. He started to apologize. He was more anxious than us... word must've been going around. I told him "don't apologize, you don't have to do anything, I just want you to be aware of what's happening."

Somewhere during that conversation, Cranky (that my new nickname for him) came over to tell the manager I was staring at him. He said something like "He was leaning foward staring at me like a... well, I won't even say like what".

That's the most confusing part. I've been trying to fill in the blank for 6 hours, and I have nothing. I have no idea what he could've possibly ended that sentence with. The fact that he didn't say it suggests it would've been something offensive to someone. I considered giving him a point for that (more on scores, later), but he probably didn't know what he was going to say either, so he doesn't deserve a point. (Its my scoring system. I can do it any way I like!)

Now for a family update. He started raising his voice to his wife. His wife was probably telling him to stop being an idiot or something. The son (or son-in-law) didn't turn around once. He wanted nothing to do with it. The daughter (or daughter-in-law) took her daughter and left the restaraunt. By the time it was all done, he left alone.

I'm not really keeping track of the score, but if I had to guess, I'd say:

Jay: 18
Cranky: 0

Then he just couldn't shut up. He tried threatening another ultimatum, so of course I kept occasionaly staring at him at that point. I wasn't real obnoxious about it, but whenever I looked over and he was looking at me, I didn't turn away (See Insider Tip #2). When he got up to leave, I waved to him and told him to have a good night. He did that chin flicking thing again, so I laughed again and told gina about it. He didn't like that at all. His threats and flicks and fist shaking were nothing more than the amusing antics of a cranky older guy who just didn't have a chance.

I'm still puzzled by the whole thing. It was the weirdest thing that has ever happened to me in a restaraunt. Honestly, we were just sitting there talking.

Gina was a little paranoid at that point. She thought the guy was going to be outside with a gun, or run us over. Once again, I mentally played the odds and determined that to be highly unlikely. (Sooner or later, the odds will catch up with me.) Even if he had that type of intent, he was with his family. Surely they would talk him out of it. (Other scenarios played out in my head, which I didn't share.) As we left the restaraunt, I took precautionary measures to be safe, but it was unnecessary.

As I said, Gina is the more level headed. After the guy left the first time, she would've been content to just leave it at that. She's a better boy scout than me. If I let him walk over, threaten me, then walk away, he would've won. You could argue "that would make you the better person", but I don't buy that because he wouldn't be able to appreciate it. He'd just think he won, not "I'm an idiot and he let me win".

One of my other inner monologues somewhere along the way was "I have to learn how to back down". I wondered how it would play out differently if Jack was there. I would like to think that it wouldn't have happened at all because maybe Cranky would be human enough to say "Hey, there's an infant, maybe I'll just sit here and eat my oatmeal in peace.", but who knows. I'm way too stubborn in confrontations, which is why I avoid them as often as possible. I really think that Cranky thought he would come over, put me in my place (for no reason whatsoever), and be done with it. As soon as he made that first threat, there was absolutely no way that was going to happen. Gina and I don't see eye to eye on these types of things. She's the more riteous.

After he left, the waitress stopped by and said "The people at my other tables want you to stop staring at them." That was pretty funny. The manager stopped by, still a little revved up but making light of it. I tried to assure him that we really were just sitting there, but he already knew that. He suggested that I go into the Witness Protecton Program, referring to the tv show "In Plain Sight". I laughed outwardly to be polite, but internally the very suggestion made me ill.

After reading this a couple times, I have come up with some additional analysis. I bet that Generation #2 was the daughter and son-in-law. Even though they were embarrassed, and Cranky was clearly wrong, the 2nd generation guy probably would've stepped up to defend Cranky if Cranky was his father. As it was, Cranky was probably just his embarrassing father-in-law, whom he will never go to a restaraunt with again.


The situation reminds me of the Great Lucille's incident of 2005 (year is approximated). That was a good one, though I wasn't as riteous in that tale. I wasn't the procrastinator, but I let it go to far. But that, my friends, is another story for another day.

In the interest of defending myself before you start thinking I'm a bad person to eat with:
My total count of negative restaraunt experiences is 2; they just happen to be within a few years of each other. I suspect that's just an anamoly and don't expect to have anymore. The first one was due to a bunch of unfortunate things coming to a head at the same time. The second time (outback tonight) was completely out of left field; It had nothing to do with me, I just happened to be there and I don't play well with others when they threaten me. Statistically, that shouldn't happen again.

Lunch, anyone?