Back when I was just a wee lad, I used to drive cars that cost about $200. Despite that, I had a very strict policy about “securing the j-mobile”. Yes, the j-mobile. Violations of the security policy were penalized by a mandatory written apology. However, no one actually ever did it because it was just a goof. Then one day, my friend Ben Wolfe called me on it.
June 24, 1996. A day that will forever be a mar upon my memory. A dark, crushing weight upon my soul which I can barely bear. A stain upon my past which I can never erase. In short, a little boo-boo.
Put bluntly, in my awe at the new Jay-mobile, and the plush surroundings which are contained within, I forgot one simple fact:
The new Jay-mobile, unlike the old one, doesn’t have power locks.
I am terribly sorry, and the responsible brain cells have been shot. A mistake of this magnitude will never occur again.*
* unless, of course, it happens again.
The star and the foot note are in extremely small font. You need a microscope to read it.
I found the letter in a collection of goodies in my closet. The new car was a 1989 Plymouth Sundance that I bought for 6,000 dollars. It was my first car loan… I was working at a super market. It replaced a 1984 Chrysler Laser, which I loved, but was unfortunately totaled when a 17 year old girl took a left into it in a busy intersection. She wanted to know “Why is it always my fault???” you know… dramatic teen prose. I responded simply “Because you hit me”.
I guess I’m going on a tangent here… was intending to tell this story when I started the post, but hey, while I have your attention…
A few minutes later her father showed up to take control of the situation. I don’t remember many details about it, but he must’ve been reasonable or I would remember every detail. We traded information, etc, and went our separate ways. When I went home, I talked to my father and he advised me on additional information that I should’ve asked for. So, I pulled out the white pages and looked them up. I asked the guy whatever I needed to ask him, then all of a sudden he got real suspicious. “Hey, wait a minute!!! How did you get my phone number?”
“The phone book.”
Yea, I’m sneaky.
Let the tangents keep on coming. The funny thing about the 1984 Chrysler Laser is that it was the second car of that exact model that I owned. The first one was really bate up, but I loved it. It had a turbo engine, was very quick, and had a full digital display. You had to hit the buttons hard to get them working, but one day I bought a bunch of parts at Radio Shack and built at control box to replace all of the worn out buttons. Whenever you I went over a puddle, I had to push my feet down on the floor to keep the rusted out bottom from pushing through.
Anyway, one day my father and I ran down to a pizza shop to pick up, presumably, a pizza. I parked, he ran in. When he closed the door to the car, it jogged something, because all of the sudden the car stated “Your Window Washer Fluid is Low”. The care never spoke to me before, but from that moment on, it kept me apprised of all of the essentials, such as a door being open. It was a glorious day. When I got the second one, the voice worked automatically.
I forget if it was the first one or the second one (probably the first), but it started having some mechanical difficulties. I forget what the symptoms were. My father determined it to be the “mapping sensor”, if I remember correctly. He swapped it out, and it was like driving a whole new car. I remember gunning it from a stand still(standard shift) with my buddy Chuck in the car, and we were both suitably amazed with the performance boost. We called it “the ball transplant”. I’m not sure that even makes sense, but I think what we were going for is “the car has new testicles” which, again, I don’t know if that makes sense still, but it was a long time ago.
Wow, I loved those cars. The first one was crap to begin with. Eventually, something was out of whack so I (father) had to replace an axel. Then the new one snapped too, and I think that was the end of it.
The second one was in tip-top shape for an 84. The interior was a different color, but still all leather with all of the same features. The outside was maybe identical, but at least pretty close. It was a real shame when that got totaled. I was at a red light. It turned green. I went forward. The 17 year old who was coming through the intersection from the opposite side went forward too. Everything would’ve been swell, but she decided to take a left right into the front of my car. I was just going straight, and I was driving perfectly reasonably. (If I wasn’t, I’d be able to admit it now, but there’s nothing to admit. I just went forward.)
Car History, as best as I can remember it
- 1979 Ford Mustang – first car. Graduated high school with it. MUSTANG might give you the wrong idea, though. In 1979, it wasn’t a muscle car or anything fancy.
- The first 1984 Chrysler Laser… hey, wait a second. now that I think about it, the first one might’ve been a Dodge Daytona that was identical, other than name, to the Laser. Will have to see if my father remembers.
- 1979? Mercury Capri – same exact thing as the 1979 mustang.
- 1972 Ford Maverick – this thing was given to me, and served me well, but was an awful car.
- Bought a 1989 Sundance
- Leased a Chrysler 300M
- Bought a 2004 Murano
- Bought a 2006 Chrysler 300, which I’m still driving
That’s shaky. 1 is correct. 5 through 8 are correct. The rest is questionable. I forgot about the maverick…
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