Funny people from the last week

We spent this week in Orlando, Florida, eating poorly at several theme parks. Of the thousands and thousands of people we came across, a few stand out.

As I wrote the following sections, I realized they're not funny at all as written. Guess you had to be there. In retrospect, its probably not worth posting. But, I've wanted to do it for days, so here it is for historical purposes.

Food Guy at Gator Land

Gator Land is fun. We hadn't been there before. It has a window that you can walk up to and order what is loosely called "food". Its burgers and chicken fingers, etc. There were two guys picking up food at the window next to me. The guy in the back poked his head in past the first guy, so he could get up close to the cashier. He stated, in complete seriousness, "The food looks delicious." It doesn't. Its glorified slop. It wasn't so much the line that I found funny, but the effort it took to state it, and the sincerity in which it was said.

Getting to the Castle Guy

We went to universal, or some park, a few years ago with extended family. We had a bunch of pre-teens with us who simply wanted to get into the park and do stuff. I completely understand. They're kids; you have to get them into the park. It took a good hour because the out-of-towners wanted to stop and see every shop along the way. That's fine, but someone should go with the kids (I offered).

Anyway, we were inside magic kingdom working our way towards the castle. A guy, probably in his mid 20s with a kid on his shoulders, called out to his mother. He called a few times, and she finally came over and started talking about their friend Fran. The guys explained to her very simply "All I want to do is get from here to the castle in 10 minutes. Here, to there. Here, to there." With each repeat, he motioned from where they were standing to where the castle is, not to far away, breaking the task down into its most fundamental pieces. Good stuff. If he had a map, he probably would've drawn it out for her.

100 Minutes Guy

This is definitely something I would do. A guy was talking to someone else, maybe his father. He said that the wait is 100 minutes. The other guy asked for more details, and the guy responded dead serious "it says 100 minutes. That's all the sign says. I have no more information". That's not actually a quote, but something like that. He was simply expressing that he was just reading the sign, and there wasn't a heck of a lot to say about it. At first I was wondering if he was being a jerk or being funny. He eventually smirked. I chimed in with "That's almost an hour!" as we walked by. They laughed, but they may think I'm an idiot.

This struck me as particularly funny because, as I said, that's something I'd do. I'm not big on repeating myself when the initial statement contains only one or 2 facts that can't be elaborated upon. Sometimes people followup by asking the same question a different way as if the nuances of the question would affect the outcome.

The Green Soldiers

The Disney parade stops along he way, and does kid activities. Each of the floats has a green soldier on it from the Toy Story movies. These guys are funny. Unlike the previous paragraphs, these guys rehearse and are just reciting lines, but they do it great. Always in character, always funny. Kudos to the green soldiers. I wish I could give specific examples, but I have determined that the humor of these incidents isn't translating well to the blog, so I won't dishonor their service by attempting to duplicate their comic genius.

Papa Johns Revelation

I occasionally enjoy a large thin crust pizza with Pineapple and Pepperoni from Papa Johns… its sort of like a Hawaiian pizza in that it has pineapple and a meat, but unlike a Hawaiian pizza in that I choose pepperoni over ham. What can I say? I like pepperoni.

I’ve been getting pizzas delivered for years, and for years I’ve wondered about the $2 delivery charge. Does that go to the driver like a mandatory tip, or does it serve a less ethically sound purpose?

I’m a generous tipper. I’ve always ignored the $2 and tipped as I normally would. But, I’ve always wondered…

Last night, I was home alone and I had pizza on the mind. I selected my pizza, but before final confirmation, I decided to look into the $2 charge before entering the tip amount. I Googled for about 10 minutes. Some of the information I found went back to 2002. The conclusion is that the $2 does not go to the driver, at least not directly. It may included as part of his hourly pay or something similar, but the driver doesn’t pocket it. If you don’t tip, it directly affects the driver.

This didn’t sit well with me. Papa Johns is a pizza delivery company. It’s what they do. Why is there an extra charge for delivery? Its like me billing someone for a programming job, then charging them a programming fee on top of it.

So, there I sat, staring at the order screen. The $2 fee was already calculated in. The tip box was empty. What to do? Cancel the order? Take the $2 off the tip? Or disregard? Everything ceased to exist as I slipped into a trance to ponder the pizza mysteries. I don’t know how much time elapsed between trance entry and exit, but I estimate that the mental energy exerted was roughly 3,000 times what it would have been had I used conventional thought.

Really, what it came down to is this: Do I want to start a holy war, or do I want pizza? I could’ve run out and bought a pizza, but that’s not really my style.

And now, for a sidebar.

One of my favorite pet peeves is when people get worked up about prices. Someone will spend $5 on a coffee, then complain “I can’t believe a coffee cost $5.” Why can’t you believe it? You just proved people are willing to pay for it, so why wouldn’t they charge it? We always have choices. “I’m not going to spend $15 on that!!!”, but then they spend $60 going out to eat for $7 worth of food. ATM charges, too. Yes, it sucks when you go to a third party ATM and you have to pay an extra $3 fee. But, you don’t have to go to that ATM… you just choose too because its more convenient, which is why they can charge the $3. If you don’t like it, go to your own bank.

That concludes the sidebar.

That said, I found myself at a cross roads. I wasn’t going to deprive the tip; it’s not the driver’s fault and they are always timely and friendly. Nor was I going to do something crazy like leave the house and get it myself. That’d be absurd. I had already stepped out for a few minutes earlier in the week and I wasn’t about to make a habit out of it.

But Nostradamus as my witness, I wanted that pizza.

The conclusion is that I got my pizza, and I paid the $2, and I’m not going to complain about it. The purpose of this blog post is to merely document the experience and the thought process leading to the conclusion. I have accepted the fee.

I had pizza for dinner last night. I had it again for lunch today. If I can get past the $2 issue, then surely the rest of the world’s problems are trivial.

Mickey Mouse vs. Special Agent Oso: Rumble in the Clubhouse

 

Over the last 19 months and 1 week, I have watched quite a bit of the Disney channel. Some of it I like. Some of I don’t. “Phineas and Ferb” is genius; I love that show. However, that is a story for another day.

Today I would like to discuss Mickey Mouse and Special Agent Oso. They both have educational shows on the Disney Channel. They both help your children, and mine, learn family values, how to count, and how to recite the alphabet.

Mickey is a good teacher, a good friend in Mickey land, and a pleasant character. He asks questions and assumes the answers. As he does so, you sense that he is teaching. In order to teach you must know the answer to that which you ask. He leads you to the answers, and you feel happy to participate. But, if you weren’t there to provide the answers, Mickey would be ok. He doesn’t need you, but he likes your company and wants you to join in.

Special Agent Oso is a complete idiot. He is the dumbest fictional character I have seen on the Disney channel. When he asks the audience questions, it’s because he honestly doesn’t know the answer even though his stupid watch gave him the exact answer a few scant moments before. It’s as if they put a brain in him just so they could remove it. It’s hard to watch. How did this guy become a special agent? Surely even in the fictional world of espionage there is some set of standards that a fictional animal based character must meet in order to enter the program. Oso is a hair dumber than a pineapple, so it makes more sense to allow a fruit salad into the agency than this guy.

I’m often reminded of the equally awful movie AI, in which a stupid robot boy finds himself stuck at the bottom of the ocean for a few millennia accompanied only by a teddy bear. I always felt bad for the teddy bear because he had to sit next to the Sixth Sense kid that whole time, and listen to his useless babbling. Fortunately, he was only a teddy bear and probably didn’t possess auditory capabilities, but let’s suppose he did. By Oso standards, that teddy bear is a genius and should be president of the universe. Not only did he have the physical prowess, but he also had the mental toughness that can only be obtained from thousands of years of psychological torture. Oso is at the opposite end of the spectrum.

Here’s what I propose: We need a Micky Mouse / Special Agent Oso cross over episode in which Mickey can really lay the hurt onto Agent Oso. To be fair, the showdown should occur in a neutral location; maybe Handy Manny wouldn’t mind if they use his town. All 3 shows are 3Dish, so it should all render just fine.

Once all key personnel have arrived in Manny land, we need a way to provoke the fight. Mickey is too much of a nice guy to do anything, and Oso can hardly put together a sentence never mind initiate an offensive action. So, we need a third party intervention. I live in the real world, so can’t directly participate, but I can push some buttons. I never trusted Pluto; he has a mean streak in him. I can throw him a couple Scooby-snacks to buy his loyalty. Then I can instruct him to steal a pair of Minnie Mouse’s underwear and tell Oso that they’re a ski mask for his next special mission: “Get Your Ass kicked in 3 easy steps:

Step 1: Put Minnie’s underwear on your head because someone said they’re a ski mask and you’re too dumb to know otherwise

Step 2: Find Mickey

Step 3: Get Your Ass kicked“

I think that’s all it will take. Paw Pilot might be a problem, but once she’s done outlining the 3 simple steps, we have no further use for her. The watch will have a urine related “accident”, courtesy of our good friend Pluto and a couple more Scooby-Snacks.

Then it’s on. Mickey will completely flip out. “Hey kids, do you think I should evicerate Oso then tear his head off?” Pause to await an answer. “Alllllll right!”. Then the assault will begin in earnest.

We must not forget that despite being a dolt, Oso is still a Panda. As we learned in Kung Fun panda, he may have some defensive instincts that override his stupidity instincts. Mickey’s ears are particularly vulnerable… why did evolution put those things on the outside? It’s possible that Mickey will get a nick or two, but honestly, does it matter? His ears are big enough to provide DirectTv to the entire population of Mickey land. A nick or two isn’t going to matter.

In the end, Mickey will prevail. He will beat the stuffing from Special Agent Oso. It’ll be vicious and rewarding. But then, after he tears Oso’s stupid head from his stupid body and uses it a foot rest, he’s going to realize that it takes two to tango, and his next target will be Minnie. But, Mickey is a good guy despite his fury. He’s not going murder her, but he will speak harshly to her and make her feel bad about herself. He’ll tell her that she looks like a prostitute wearing those stupid high heels. But, he will inadvertently offend Daisy Duck in the process because she too wears the prostitute shoes. Daisy will get over it, though, because she has always been deeply in love with Mickey, and will overlook the insult especially now that Minnie is out of the picture. We can safely expect Minnie to kill herself within an episode of two which, to be honest, is a good thing. She’s still living in the 1950s. She doesn’t appreciate or value the role of women in the world today, and is content to sit at home waiting on the boys. It’s disgrace to women, fictional and non-fictional, everywhere.

And then the carnage is done. Oso is dead, Minnie is out of the picture and likely to be dead shortly, and Daisy has a real shot at bringing her deranged Mickey related fantasies to life (especially if he actually likes the prostitute shoes and was only lashing out). The only victim in all of this is Handy Manny who has to clean up the mess. There will be stuffing everywhere, not to mention the emotional damage to the residents of his tool belt. But, fortunately he has his super big latex work gloves to protect him from AIDS and other communicable diseases that are likely to pollute the remnants of the battle; Every time he puts the gloves on, he is reminded of his last outing to the Hostel where he engaged in recreational kidding. Seriously… have you seen the gloves?

I hope you enjoyed this adventure. Now it’s time for the hot-dog dance. See you reallllll soon!

Tv Update

Aint it Cool news is reporting some updates to the tv schedule.

ABC Cancels Flash Forward, Scrubs, Better Off Ted, and Romantically Challenged. They renewed V.

I would’ve dropped V and kept Flash Forward.

I’m sorry to see Scrubs go, but I understand.

Better off Ted is a shame. It’s a very funny unique show. I mourn it’s loss.

Despite Alyssa Milano in the lead role, I’ve never watched Romantically Challenged. The title is enough to keep me away.

Chuck is Renewed

This is the important one. Now that Chuck is renewed, it doesn’t matter what happens to any other show.

It’s only 13 episodes…. I don’t know if that’s how it usually works or not. Maybe they order the second 1/2 later? Regardless, 13 is a good start.

The Best Game I’ve Played Lately

I’m a casual gamer. I used to play them a lot more than I do now, but even when i played every day I never considered myself more than a casual gamer. Most 9 years old can destroy me.

The result of my casual approach is that I end up giving a lot of games a score of 5 (on the DvdFriend rating system). If it’s not a 4 or a 5 in my humble opinion, then I usually don’t end up finishing, thus I don’t rate it.

So, I like my games. Here’s at least a partial list of the last several games.

• Splinter Cell Conviction (in progress; a complete blast)
• Mass Effect 2
• Modern Warfare 2
• Little Big Planet
• Heavy Rain
• Uncharted
• Uncharted 2
• Lost Planet
• The Devil May Cry 4
• Halo ODST
• Prince of Persia
• Resistance 2
• Infamous

Those who know me may notice that Burnout Paradise isn’t on the list. That game is on a list all by itself, but it is no longer recent. I’ve been playing that for 2 and a half years now. It is purposely excluded.

Aside from BP: The game i think about more than the others; the game I keep wanting to go back to play again; aka: the best game of recent memory: Infamous. Such a great game; a ton of fun and an excellent story.

If you haven’t, then play Infamous.

That’s all I have to say about that.

SCUBA Hurling Episode 2: The Whining Continues

After getting off the boat 2 weeks ago, I was convinced that my scuba career was over. But, once I was feeling better, I mentally committed to trying it again.

This time, I took two Dramamine before going to bed the night before, then two Triptone in the morning. Surely this onslaught of meds would be enough to overwhelm my otherwise untainted system and prevent the dreaded sea sickness.

Wrong. The fact is, I was going diving no matter what. It was just a matter of controlling how sick I would be leading up to it. And, while it wasn’t a pleasant experience, it wasn’t nearly as bad as last time.

I made a point of standing up as we headed out to the site. I wasn’t feeling great, but tried to ignore it as much as I could. When it came time to put the gear on, though… it started to get bad. The wetsuit fits tight, and the weight belt weighs 16 pounds. All of that pressure on my delicate innards wasn’t working to my advantage. At the site, the master diver determined the currents were too strong there, so in the interest of safety we were going to another site 5 minutes away. I opened up the wet suite and loosened the weight belt, and felt immediately better.

I did spend a little time hanging over the side of the boat retching, but I’m not sure if it was before the first dive or not. I can’t say for sure, but I think I made it into the water without incident. When it was time to dive, my internal instinct was “are you nuts?”, but did so anyway. Once again, I enjoyed the sensation that I plunged a couple feet below the water and kept breathing unhindered. It was more natural this time.

I made it this far the last time before failing, so no real success yet. When we started to descend, I had the same questions running through my head as last time, but I felt much better this time so could concentrate on the answers. An important point that was clarified is that it doesn’t matter how fast you’re descending, as long as you can equalize. My concern last time is that I didn’t know how fast I was dropping, so maybe it was too fast. But, I was equalizing fine, so it was ok. Also, I was able to move my head and look at the gauges without incident, so I tried to get used to that. But, more importantly, I trusted the people I was with. It didn’t matter if I didn’t know what was going on, because they did.

This time, we descended along a rope that the first driver unraveled as he descended.  I was instructed to use it as a guide, but used it as a hand hold more than once. It occurred to me later that the guy unraveling the rope was probably wondering “who’s the idiot trying to pull this out of my hand?!” The descent really was a lot of fun. It was weird to look down and see the other divers progressing. Due the currents, etc, they weren’t descending straight down; it was at a pretty good angle and winded a bit. At last, I was enjoying diving.

At some point, the instructor started giving me some hand signals that I didn’t grasp. It turns out we were about to hit the bottom. Surprise! I guess I stopped paying attention at some point, and there suddenly was the ground.

Visibility seemed decent to me, but it’s my first real dive, so what do I know? People skin appeared to be completely white; I had to remind myself that the color wasn’t right; if it was, then it would’ve meant that everyone was simultaneously bleeding out, which would be weird.

Once on the bottom, we just swam around. We saw a turtle and an eel, a lot of those fish fellas, some coral, etc. Good stuff. It was a lot of fun.

I was using my arms to swim, which I shouldn’t have had to do. I was later advised that maybe I was slightly negatively buoyant when I should’ve been neutral. That makes sense, but also, I wasn’t really swimming with my legs correctly. I was using mostly just foot instead of leg, which limited me. But, all things considered, I think it went pretty well. I obviously need a lot more practice, but it was a good first go.

The guy that was holding the rope ran into a problem. His tank fell off his back. Go figure. Apparently someone didn’t tighten up enough. The instructor went over to help him. He was having a hard time standing still because he was holding the rope, so I grabbed it for him. I figure that automatically should’ve made me an expert. A rescue mission on my first dive, even if I was only rescuing some rope. Someone had to.

Then came the ascent. I’m probably confusing one ascent with the other, so this might not be accurate, but this isn’t an official historical document so a certain margin of timeline inaccuracies is acceptable. Actually, now that I think about it, I think it was the second ascent which means the first ascent wasn’t memorable…

The point of recreational diving is that you don’t have to stop while ascending; it’s a non-decompression dive. But, still, it doesn’t hurt to hang out at about –15 feet and let some nitrogen leave your body. We did that for about 3 minutes. This is the tricky part that I’ll have to work on; just hovering at the same level and keep track of not going up or down. It looks like a more manageable task when you have the wrist computer rather than the maneuvering the gauge hanging off the tank. Once again, I just trusted the instructor and hung out until he said go. Looking up, though, it was neat to see the sun shining through the water’s surface.

Fun fact: on the first ascent, I screwed up and hit the DEFLATE instead of INFLATE button. Whoops. But, I swam straight up anyway and didn’t realize what I did until I’d broken the surface.

The waters were rough. Hanging out at the surface wasn’t a lot of fun. You should be able to inflate the BCD and relax, but I kept tipping forward instead of backwards. I still had the regulator, so being face down wasn’t a problem, but it wasn’t the ideal position.

The boat came up to us. The illogical part of my brain thought it was going to run me over. The logical part, though, kept its wits and prevailed.

You’re supposed to take your fins off and hand them to the dive master, then climb on to the ladder. They suggested deflating the BCD a bit so  you don’t bounce around as much in the process. But, there was a lot of bouncing. Taking off the fins while not getting hit in the face with a boat isn’t as easy as it sounds, at least not for a land bloke such as myself.

As for “climbing the ladder”… my implementation of that is far less elegant. At that point, I was getting dizzy and nauseous again, so it was more like “barely drag yourself out of the water without cracking your skull”. Dang sea sickness.

I secured my own gear this time, which was an improvement, but then immediately had to lay down. I wasn’t really sick, but I could feel it coming, so it was preventive more than anything. Two weeks prior, I was laying down because I didn’t have a choice. This time, it was damage control. The instructor helped me out in a huge way by setting up my gear for the next dive. When we got close to the next sight, he confirmed that I was going again. Rafael told me he didn’t think I would. But, as long as I was laying there, I didn’t feel too bad. Even if I did get sick, I was committed to going again. The dive part was fun; just had to get off the boat.

When it was time, we did go pretty quick. I got up, got the gear on, headed to the back of the boat, hurled over the side, then jumped in.

The big difference with this dive is that I had to do stuff for the certification; the first dive was just looking at the fish and getting comfortable. The second one involved some work.

Here’s the crazy thing; they expect you to flood your mask and clear it without drowning?!?!? This is supposed to become a natural thing, but it’s not yet. I ended up with some water up my nose and in my mouth. I had to try it two or three times before getting it somewhat right. It’s the “not drowning” part that makes it challenging. Flooding the mask is easy.

The current at the bottom was great. We tried to get situated on the ground to do our things, and it kept pushing us away. It was fun. We got separated from the others just because we went where the current brought us. I was wondering how that was going to resolve itself, but somehow we ended up regrouping. We ascended a bit before the others; I was burning through my air a little quick.

This time, on the surface, they changed strategies. They instructed us to remove our fins before moving to the ladder. That helped; once at the ladder, I only had to drag myself on to the boat.

Once again, I secured my gear then laid down. There was more round of retching, but I’m pretty sure that was later. I made it a point to not lay down any longer than I had to; I have to start getting used to this.

Being sea sick isn’t any fun, but the diving part is. Hopefully I can find the balance. There were two people on the boat who were worse off than I was last time; they never even got in the water. One guy was completely down for the count for the entire trip; that was me two weeks ago. He couldn’t even lean over the side to take care of business; the stench wafted across the deck, and I thought of the scene from STAND BY ME where everyone got sick. Fortunately, that didn’t happen.

I have two more dives to go before I can be certified. Now that I’ve corrected the travesty of 2 weeks ago, I’m not in a big rush for it, though I would like to get it done so that I can put it behind me and be ready for a purely recreational trip. I’m perfectly content to wait until after Ellie arrives, and things settle down (including the seas). Alternatively, though, I can see about finishing up during the week when dad-duties are less demanding.

Despite all my whining and moaning, I now see the fun of SCUBA diving and I cautiously look forward to next time. I’m not a fish. I watch TV and play video games. The depths of the ocean is not my natural habitat. While it’s great fun in the water. It’s negative fun on the boat. Unfortunately, you’re on the boat more than you’re in the water.

Congrats to Dave to getting his certification. He too hurled-a-plenty, but came out with the certification regardless.

Status of Tv Shows

 

I just read this article on Tv.com

http://www.tv.com/whats-been-renewed-whats-been-canceled-whats-left/story/22757.html?tag=hotspot;gumball;1

I’ll only comment on those that I have seen, which aren’t many.

Castle – RENEWED: It’s a decent show, but I don’t think it’s anything special. It’s kind of formulatic (Wilson is to House as Castles’s daughter is to Castle). I watch it, but not with any great interest. I wouldn’t be traumatized if it got cancelled, but it’s not, so it doesn’t matter.

Better Off Ted – LIMBO: I’ll be very disappointed if TED gets cancelled. It’s original, no laugh-track, great characters, and very funny every episode. I hope it is renewed.

Desperate Housewives – LIMBO, but likely to return: don’t care.

Flash Forward / V – LIMBO: The article says that one will probably survive. I’d vote for Flash Forward, which has been much better since the break. V is a big failure. What worked in the 80s doesn’t work today, not the same way. I still watch V, but if it were gone tomorrow, no loss. At least FAST FORWARD is getting better and is occasionally interesting.

Happy Town – too early to tell: I liked the first episode. I look forward to the second one.

Scrubs – Probably cancelled: I ranted on Scrubs last year. I made a joke to the affect of it being the Brett Favre of tv; every time you think it’s retired, it comes back. With that in mind, maybe it will return. Anyway, Scrubs was excellent for many years, then it started to be less funny and more ridiculous, but every episode is good for some laughs. The new version of it is weak, but I still enjoy it. However, I will completely understand if it gets cancelled. I’m looking forward to the day that I can buy the complete series for a reasonable price; the early seasons are classic funny.

How I Met Your Mother – Renewed: This show is great. It has a laugh track, which I hate, but the show is so funny that the laugh track is ok because I laugh with it. We haven’t seen most of this season due to DVR conflicts, but will catch up as we always do. I thoroughly enjoy everything about this show.

The Mentalist – Limbo, will probably be renewed: This is a good show, but not great. I’m trying to decide if I’d be disappointed when it gets canceled… I don’t think I would be. I think I’d just shrug it off. (Actually, if it gets cancelled, I’d really look forward to seeing how Psych reacts to it.)

Smallville – Renewed: Celebrating 10 years of mediocrity. We have watched this since day 1, and I’ve rarely enjoyed it since. Gina likes it, and I watch it just out of habit, and I guess when it ends (after at least 10 years), I would notice its absence. Clark’s been whining for 10 years. In 10 years he hasn’t figured out how to fly. Poor me… poor me… You’d think that the entire female cast would be a bunch of vegetables after the number of times they’ve been kidnapped and knocked out; repeated head trauma does have affects to which these people seem to be immune. I used to like the show because “every week he would do something cool”, but even the novelty of that has worn off. This show never committed; it’s just 10 years of Clark whining about his place in the universe. Man-up already.

Bones – Renewed: I like this more than Smallville. And, like Smallville, Gina likes it more than me. It’s pretty good, but it just barely registers over mediocrity. The characters are light hearted and fun, but then they show the most disturbing images of bodies. Every episode is a conflict like that. It’s like Charlie Brown stomping Lucy to death. I’ve been saying for years that Bones should be canceled when better shows have been, but no one listens, so it’s no surprise it’s back.

The Cleveland Show: Renewed: I watched the first three, and couldn’t take it any more. It lacked everything that makes Family Guy so great. Maybe I should check out some more recent episodes, now that it’s had time to get its footing.

Family Guy – Renewed: Pure genius, almost every episode. Enough said.

Fringe – Renewed: We watched the first several episodes, then lost interest. That was a regrettable mistake… I’ve wanted to start over, but it’s not on NETFLIX ON DEMAND yet. I’ll give this a second go.

Glee – Renewed: This isn’t my kind of show. I watched the first couple, though, and thought it was pretty good. Well written, etc. But, that appreciation only got me through a few episodes, then I called it quits. Everyone else seems to like it, though, so I’m glad it’s back for them.

The Simpsons – Renewed: Does it matter what anyone thinks about the Simpsons? I’m pretty sure that if it ever finally ends, it would trigger an event that would result in the end of the universe. It must live on!

24 – Done: No single season of tv will ever be better than season 1 of 24. But, it hasn’t lived up to it since. It’s has some good seasons and some bad seasons, and it has run it’s course and is time to end. The current season has been very good over the last few episodes. It’s exciting. I like 24 and will watch it as long as they make them, but it’s time to move on. (During season 3 or 4, i suggested that they should change the format of the show and just call it CTU; drop the real-time approach. The amount of things they do in 24 hours is pretty absurd; everyone is 14 seconds away from everyone else at any given time. This season’s most blatant abuse was the parole officer coming to visit at 2am; ridiculous.)

Dollhouse Canceled: – Second season was better than the first. I enjoyed it, and was sorry to see it go.

House – Limbo, but probably back: House is such a great show. Very few episodes are duds; i laugh a lot and I laugh hard. This show cannot die.

Human Target – LIMBO: I like it, but will understand if it gets canceled. I can imagine that Haley regrets signing a contract for a tv show now that his movie career is getting some momentum.

Lie to Me – LIMBO: Negligible. See ya.

30 Rock – RENEWED: Completely great. I’m always behind one season, though. I didn’t keep up with it so I have to wait for them to come to Netflix.

Community – RENEWED: I stopped watching it, but only because there was too much stuff on tv. Community was funny, and I’m glad it’s back.

The Office – RENEWED: This will go down in history as legendary comedy.

Parenthood – RENEWED: Watched a couple, and didn’t care for it. I’m surprised it’s renewed.

Parks and Recreation – RENEWED: See community; same comments here.

CHUCK – LIMBO: It’s a crying shame that Chuck has to fight for survival every season. Sooner or later, it will lose the battles, and I will be sad. Hopefully this is not the year. If you do not watch Chuck, please do. It’s the most clever thing on tv.

Trauma – LIMBO, but probably canceled: This was doomed from the beginning, which is too bad. I’ve kept up with it on HULU, and it’s good. I read that it’s too expensive to keep going, which is too bad. It’s good characters, and good stories. I’d like to see it get renewed, but it doesn’t look like it will. I haven’t become very attached because they’ve been proclaiming doom from the beginning.

The Mystery of Television has been solved!

A while back, Gina (my lady friend) and I watched a movie, or something, on the ole television set. It was about a girl who just kind of walked through life inadvertently doing amazing things along the way. She was trying to avoid a boy friend, so she simply scaled the wall of her building and went in through an upper window. No big whoop. That’s the only specific thing that I remember, but there were a bunch of other examples.

She’s oblivious. She just thinks its normal.

The girl was really good. She was a great character, and immediately drew me in.

Something happens (I don’t remember much of it), and for whatever reason she decides to track down here estranged father. She does so by not identifying herself, and getting a job at his company. Then, she sneaks through a ventilation duct to see what her father’s doing with his buddies behind a locked door. It turns out that they’re hit men. They’re having a conversation, and she starts to participate from the ventilation shaft.

One thing leads to another, and she ends up suggesting how to kill some one in the usual matter-of-fact type way that had so well been defined up to that point in the movie.

I always thought it felt like a pilot for a tv show. It should’ve gotten picked up; it was a great premise and, as I said, the girl was great.

Some time has passed since we watched that. More than one time, I’ve thought about it, trying to remember the title. I kept thinking it was FOR LOVE AND MONEY, or something like that. I didn’t know any of the actors or even a name, and was unsuccessful in tracking it down despite a concentrated effort several weeks ago. I kept thinking that the girl was familiar, but couldn’t know for sure.

The following is a true story:

I’ve been watching ROSWELL Seasons 1,2,&3 for the last few weeks. On episode 14 of season 3, which means I’m in the ball park of 55 hours. Roswell starts SHIRI APPLEBY, who is pretty good in this series. She was prominent in Season One, but not as much so in 2 and 3. She comes and goes it seems, though I thought she was the lead.

Right before I started posting this blog, it occurred to me that I should jump onto IMDB to see what she has done since. And that’s when it hit me… she was the lead in that movie. Watching her for 50 hours didn’t remind me of anything, but as soon as I started thinking about her in other roles, it clicked. I jumped on to IMDB and confirmed that she was the actress in the movie, and the name of the movie was TO LOVE AND DIE. Here’s the kicker… it’s from 2008 which means it couldn’t have been that long ago that we saw it.

At last, I can put this mystery to rest, and move on to more important things like EASTER ISLAND and the alien origins of the pyramids… let’s see what’s going on there.

http://

www.imdb.com/title/tt0811112/

SCUBA Hurling

As some of you may know first hand or through the grape vine, my attempt at scuba diving this weekend didn’t go very well.

I am not known for being able to keep my innards on the inside during motion related recreational activities. Back-and-forth and spin rides are the carnival were never my cup of tea (as wasn’t the tea-cup rides, which fall into both back-and-forth and spin categories). I went sky diving twice. I kept my composure, but barely. I went on a helicopter once. I wasn’t invited back. I went on a few whale watch cruises as a kid; mixed results. I love most roller coasters, but I have to psych myself into not getting nauseous on the HULK ant universal.

So, you can extrapolate that I do have tolerance ranges in which I can operate with some composure. But, a boat heading out onto the ocean, bouncing off the big waves like it’s a Wolf Peterson movie well exceeds that range. I never had a chance.

By the time we were ready to dive, I had diverted 99% of my brain power to not getting sick. The other 1% was tasked with breathing and other essential life support systems. When it was time to stand up, I really had no idea how they expected me to do that, but somehow pulled it off. Standing just isn’t natural.

Then, it was time to jump in. I was third in line, and had made the mental commitment to jump, but my weight belt was falling off. The dive guy fixed it for me, and I jumped in last. Perhaps my only success of the day is that I think I jumped in correctly. (Don’t correct me if I’m wrong there.)

In short-order, we went from a nauseating rocky boat to a nauseating bouncy ocean. It was kind fun for a minute or two; getting hit in the face with waves and not having to care because I had the regulator and the mask. That was kinda cool; liberating.

The plan was that Rafael would go down the line first, followed by the 3 students, and then the other instructor. That plan didn’t work. Instead, it was just me and Rafael. I got my composure as best I could, and then we started to descend. And, I thought, “This is kind of neat.” But then I started thinking “Am I really descending?” And then I realized I had no idea what was going on. I knew to check my gauge, but didn’t. My concern became “if I can’t even tell if I’m going up or down, how am I going to know if I’m going up or down too fast?”

At that point, we were 15 feet deep, but I didn’t know that until Rafael told me later. I signaled to go back up, and we did. I was feeling a little better at that point, and Rafael had about convinced me that it was time to start descending again. Then, in a rare moment of clarity, it occurred to me: “I’m not having any fun at all. I am completely miserable. I don’t have to do this.” And, that’s when I decided to get out. It seemed perfectly reasonable at the time.

I pretty much crawled out of the ocean and onto the boat. My legs are pretty flexible; A comfortable sitting position for me is to with my legs folded back behind me and my butt on the ground between them. A lot, if not most, people can’t do that. If I couldn’t, I don’t know how I would’ve gotten back on the boat.

The proper procedure, once on the boat, is to take off your gear and secure it. I modified that to “take off the gear, let someone else secure it, then hurl over the side of the boat 3 times.”

I spent the next 20 minutes or so hanging over the side of the boat. Then, I spent the rest of the morning laying down on the deck. That’s the only position I was somewhat comfortable. Every time I moved any other way, I quickly got dizzy.

I wasn’t the only one to get sick that day, but I was definitely the worse. The crew was poking fun at me. Once the boat left the ocean and was on the intra-coastal, I immediately felt a lot better. I was weak and tired, but that’s pretty normal for me, so relatively speaking, I was ok.

On shore, the captain told me that the seas have been unusually rough for the last 4 months, and urged me to try again sometime. He recommended a different medication, as did the dive master. I engaged in polite conversation, but after being sick for 3 hours, I wasn’t even considering going out again. I had a similar conversation with the dive master. When we got back to the shop, I had the same conversation with the other dive instructor. And I told him, “I was just sick for 3 hours. I’m not thinking beyond getting home and taking a shower.”, but I was thinking “NEVER AGAIN”.

As we loaded up the gear, and I paid $150 for the failed class, I thought that I spent an awful lot of money on a hobby that I can’t do.

Then I got home, got cleaned up, and was feeling better. I’ve gone more than 40 hours without getting sick. But, of course, now I have a sore throat and I’m congested…. that’s been coming on since Friday, and is finally taking hold. But, I’m not sea sick anymore.

The net result is now that I’m extremely disappointed that I wasn’t able to do it. I really thought my logic was sound when I decided to get out of the water, but it wasn’t. I should’ve just stayed in and done it. So, now I’m pissed off about the whole thing and will have to try again.

It should’ve been a lot of fun. Everyone on the boat talked to me along the way, and offered me water and ice while sick. It’s a great bunch of guys. Rafael was very good and patient, even though I goofed up the plan. My brief exposure to Scuba gave me the impression that it’s a good community sport with people looking out for each other. And, there’s a lot of hurling involved.

Ben’s Written Apology

Back when I was just a wee lad, I used to drive cars that cost about $200. Despite that, I had a very strict policy about “securing the j-mobile”. Yes, the j-mobile. Violations of the security policy were penalized by a mandatory written apology. However, no one actually ever did it because it was just a goof. Then one day, my friend Ben Wolfe called me on it.

June 24, 1996. A day that will forever be a mar upon my memory. A dark, crushing weight upon my soul which I can barely bear. A stain upon my past which I can never erase. In short, a little boo-boo.

Put bluntly, in my awe at the new Jay-mobile, and the plush surroundings which are contained within, I forgot one simple fact:

The new Jay-mobile, unlike the old one, doesn’t have power locks.

I am terribly sorry, and the responsible brain cells have been shot. A mistake of this magnitude will never occur again.*

* unless, of course, it happens again.

The star and the foot note are in extremely small font. You need a microscope to read it.

I found the letter in a collection of goodies in my closet. The new car was a 1989 Plymouth Sundance that I bought for 6,000 dollars. It was my first car loan… I was working at a super market. It replaced a 1984 Chrysler Laser, which I loved, but was unfortunately totaled when a 17 year old girl took a left into it in a busy intersection. She wanted to know “Why is it always my fault???” you know… dramatic teen prose. I responded simply “Because you hit me”.

I guess I’m going on a tangent here… was intending to tell this story when I started the post, but hey, while I have your attention…

A few minutes later her father showed up to take control of the situation. I don’t remember many details about it, but he must’ve been reasonable or I would remember every detail. We traded information, etc, and went our separate ways. When I went home, I talked to my father and he advised me on additional information that I should’ve asked for. So, I pulled out the white pages and looked them up. I asked the guy whatever I needed to ask him, then all of a sudden he got real suspicious. “Hey, wait a minute!!! How did you get my phone number?”

“The phone book.”

Yea, I’m sneaky.

Let the tangents keep on coming. The funny thing about the 1984 Chrysler Laser is that it was the second car of that exact model that I owned. The first one was really bate up, but I loved it. It had a turbo engine, was very quick, and had a full digital display. You had to hit the buttons hard to get them working, but one day I bought a bunch of parts at Radio Shack and built at control box to replace all of the worn out buttons. Whenever you I went over a puddle, I had to push my feet down on the floor to keep the rusted out bottom from pushing through.

Anyway, one day my father and I ran down to a pizza shop to pick up, presumably, a pizza. I parked, he ran in. When he closed the door to the car, it jogged something, because all of the sudden the car stated “Your Window Washer Fluid is Low”. The care never spoke to me before, but from that moment on, it kept me apprised of all of the essentials, such as a door being open. It was a glorious day. When I got the second one, the voice worked automatically.

I forget if it was the first one or the second one (probably the first), but it started having some mechanical difficulties. I forget what the symptoms were. My father determined it to be the “mapping sensor”, if I remember correctly. He swapped it out, and it was like driving a whole new car. I remember gunning it from a stand still(standard shift) with my buddy Chuck in the car, and we were both suitably amazed with the performance boost. We called it “the ball transplant”. I’m not sure that even makes sense, but I think what we were going for is “the car has new testicles” which, again, I don’t know if that makes sense still, but it was a long time ago.

Wow, I loved those cars. The first one was crap to begin with. Eventually, something was out of whack so I (father) had to replace an axel. Then the new one snapped too, and I think that was the end of it.

The second one was in tip-top shape for an 84. The interior was a different color, but still all leather with all of the same features. The outside was maybe identical, but at least pretty close. It was a real shame when that got totaled. I was at a red light. It turned green. I went forward. The 17 year old who was coming through the intersection from the opposite side went forward too. Everything would’ve been swell, but she decided to take a left right into the front of my car. I was just going straight, and I was driving perfectly reasonably. (If I wasn’t, I’d be able to admit it now, but there’s nothing to admit. I just went forward.)

Car History, as best as I can remember it

1. 1979 Ford Mustang – first car. Graduated high school with it. MUSTANG might give you the wrong idea, though. In 1979, it wasn’t a muscle car or anything fancy.
2. The first 1984 Chrysler Laser… hey, wait a second. now that I think about it, the first one might’ve been a Dodge Daytona that was identical, other than name, to the Laser. Will have to see if my father remembers.
3. 1979? Mercury Capri – same exact thing as the 1979 mustang.
4. 1972 Ford Maverick – this thing was given to me, and served me well, but was an awful car.
5. Bought a 1989 Sundance
6. Leased a Chrysler 300M
7. Bought a 2004 Murano
8. Bought a 2006 Chrysler 300, which I’m still driving

That’s shaky. 1 is correct. 5 through 8 are correct. The rest is questionable. I forgot about the maverick…

FTG Update

Incase anyone is wondering, progress has stalled, but has not been halted.

Here’s what happened.

I wrote a prologue. Then I started chapter 1. During chapter 1, I started filling in some back story. Then, I realized, it was going to take more than a casual “once upon a time” to cover it. So, I renamed the prologue as chapter 1 and started a new prologue.

Then things started getting out of control as I started working on the back story. I wanted to add more and more to it. It would take more than just a prologue. It could take several chapters. In fact, it could be a story all by itself.

I really like the prologue in intent. Gina didn’t like it; she liked chapter 1, though. I’ve reread the prologue a few times in the intervening weeks, and I still like it. Maybe it’s not well written, or maybe it’s not adequately expressing what it’s supposed to express; but I know what it’s supposed to express, and I guess that’s the part that I really like. The last paragraph of if is really significant, or, at least it’s supposed to be. Even as I think about it now I’m really happy with it. But, if I didn’t do it justice on paper, then it’s useless. I’ll try again. Maybe backing up the 20 years and building up to that moment will be more successful.

In an earlier post, I made a list of different story ideas that have been kicking around in my otherwise empty head. I forgot to mention one of them. It’s one I started to write 2 times but, like most things, never finished. I can use the basic idea of that unnamed story as the guts of this new thing that’s developing.

So, I have something all new in the works. I’m inheriting key plot points from another idea, but it’s all new characters and all new ramifications. It’s a whole new beast, which is the problem. Unlike the other things, I haven’t been pondering this one for years so it’s not well constructed. I’m lacking all of the mental work.

I’ve spent the last few weeks doing the mental work. I don’t say that casually; I have thought long and hard about it for hours a day for the last few weeks. It’s coming together. That’s not to say that that I will be successful in writing it, only that I almost have what I need to make the attempt.

The prologue introduced 3 characters. The new story starts with 2 of them 20 years ago, then works up to the time of the prologue, and then many years (I know exactly how many, but being intentionally vague) into the future. There are a couple more primary characters I have to develop, and work out a few details, but the important bits are all there. I should be ready to give it a whirl shortly.

In conclusion: It’s not dead. I didn’t have a short lived burst of motivation then lost it. It persists.

FTG Update #2

Greetings

I had a late night tonight, but didn’t want to go to be without at least writing (or attempting to write) something. Now it’s 2am, and I’m going to regret this in the morning.

I previously said that the prologue would be renamed to chapter 1, and if I ended up with a prologue, I didn’t know what it would be.

My intent tonight was to work on Chapter 1 part 2. As I started writing it, I had to fill in a bunch of back story. But, the back story needed more attention than a cursory overview in an unrelated chapter. So, I pulled it out of the chapter and started a new prologue.

I got a couple paragraphs into it, and hated it. I was doing it narratively. First, it wasn’t fun to write or read. Second, it was coming off as serious science fiction rather than comedic. I didn’t see any way to lighten it up in that format. (Actually, there were a few things I could’ve done to lighten it up, but it would’ve required techniques that I’d like to think I’ve matured beyond.)

So, I started over and found a great opportunity. The story takes place in the future, but its origins are close to the present (I settled on 2030). I never intended to directly cover the present in any detail, at least not yet, but I found that by introducing the historical characters directly, it became fun again.

“Adler Enterprises” (more below) is the name of a massive corporation in the future. It pretty much owns and runs everything, but it’s not evil like skynet. Adler enterprises was formed by two brothers in the present. I never intended to say more than that about it. But, in the new prologue, we meet those characters and see how the company came to be. 4 hours ago I didn’t even know the brothers names. Nor did I know that they had an intern who also contributed.

Quite unexpectedly, the prologue is to become a full blown origin story. This is more story than I planned on. Also, there’s no mention of this on my supposed “outline” that I’m supposed to be working from.

Currently, I expect the prologue to have 3 parts, which almost definitely means it will have more or less than 3 parts. Conclusion of that will eliminate the need for elaborate recaps or explanations in Chapter 1 Section 2, and I can get back to that.

I really enjoyed writing it, but not reading it. It needs a lot of work, but I have established the characters and what they need to do. Also, I think it’s pretty funny, but I already mentioned that it’s 2am, so I could be wrong about that. We’ll see tomorrow.

ADLER ENTERPRISES: In the original book, I used “AllardWorks Enterprises” as the company name. This time, I’m keeping my name out of it for prosperity sake. I needed a new name.

A couple months ago, I said something that was quoted and included in a slide show for a presentation at my job’s quarterly meeting. Whoever created the slide spelled my name wrong. They spelled it ADLER. So, the first time I get my name in lights, it’s spelled wrong. Good times. Using ADLER as the new fictional company name is my little inside joke.

For the Galaxy: Update #1

It’s been 8 days since “FOR THE GALAXY – STALL TACTICS” post. For anyone paying attention, here’s the latest.

Fortunately, the stalling I expressed in that post was temporary. I installed Microsoft One Note, and have made good use of it so far. I have 3 tabs: Characters, Objects and Outline.

“Characters” has some of the major characters that I know I need, but I’m sure I’ll add a lot more as I go. Naming characters is a real pain. I have 3 human names that I’m considering temporary. I’ve settled on the names of 3 bad guys (aliens) and 1 good guy (also an alien).

“Objects” covers things like planet names, ship names, etc. One of the planet names is a good name, but I’m misusing it. I need to save that name for something grander. I’m using it as a placeholder for this lesser planet until I come up with a name for the lesser planet. The objects tab also has the name of two space ships, both of which I’m perfectly content with.

“Outline” isn’t nearly as thorough as it should be. I usually just start writing, but that hasn’t worked out, so I’m trying to be more structured. I really should document the entire story in advance in the outline tab, but I’m not. I outlined 3 major sections originally conceived as “Prologue i, Prologue ii and Chapter 1. The point of Prologue i and Prologue ii were to kick off the major story line from two perspectives. Now that I’m actually writing it, though, they’re going to cover quite a bit. It feels like they should just be chapters, which means I’ll have chapter 1 through 3. If I need a prologue, it’s not yet obvious what it will be.

So, I haven’t outlined the whole story, but I know how it begins. It’s not the right way to do it, but it’s better than what I used to do. I’ll get through chapter’s 1 through 3, then return to the outline process to work out the details of the rest of it.

As for the actual writing, I have completed the first section of chapter 1. I may end up editing it a thousand times or rewriting it a thousand times, but it’s “done” for this stage of the game.

I’m trying to write it as comes naturally to me. The first section introduces two major characters and a space ship (which won’t be around long). When I think about some of the books I’ve read, it seems that I should be describing the ship and the characters in great detail. That might be something I have to go back and fill in later, but trying to do it now would distract me from the story. It may lead to frustration which would lead to a delay, or halt, of progress. So, I’m focusing my energy on writing the parts that I want to write, not the parts that I should write. I’m working on the jokes, the story, and the personality of the characters. As for their appearance: You can imagine them any way you like.

Bowling Tournament

We had our annual bowling tournament at work a few weeks ago. Two years ago, I did very well. Last  year, I did awful. This year, I did awful too. Two years ago I was playing a lot, but haven’t since. Oh well.

Anyway, our whole team was pretty bad. The next day I sent out this inspirational email in an attempt to boost morale.

12/18/2009

Greetings

I just wanted to write a quick note to thank you for inviting me to participate in the bowling tournament of this past Monday. It was a lot of fun.

I would also like to speculate on the pending results of the tournament and offer my commentary on said speculation. As the judges sit down to determine the winners and wicked losers, they're going to concentrate on things like "points" and "the score" and "totals" and "math", which is a monumental travesty. There's more to bowling than just the score. There's the style, the integrity, resourcefulness and, most importantly, the creativity.

For example, I brought and wore my own bowling shoes. I put them on the correct feet and tied the laces all by myself using the "rabbit goes into the rabbit hole" approach. I overcame adversity even with people watching and making me very uncomfortable with myself. Shouldn't that count for something?

Donna and Vadim have never bowled before, but they conquered our lanes, our neighbor's lanes, and a few of the pins over a period of a several frames. They rose from obscurity to heroes over a period of just 2 games. Will statues be erected in their honor? Probably not, but I say they should be. The world is entitled to know and appreciate what they have done.

What about Carlos and his uncanny ability to bowl each ball in a completely different way from all of his previous bowls? The movement of his shoulders exceeded the parameters of their original design likely resulting in permanent damage that won't be fully realized until the eve of his 52nd birthday. Such a triumph should not go unnoticed by the judges, but it will, because they don't care about the human aspect., They're all about the science... which makes me sad.

Finally, I would be remiss without highlighting the contributions of Christopher. Could any other person resist the urge to consume the company provided foods and snacks for fear of them killing him due to ongoing gastrointestinal difficulties? On that field of battle, he stands alone. As we ate, he resisted. He's a real South Floridian hero.

In conclusion, despite the fact that the "numbers" may demonstrate that "we sucked", I urge you to look past the numbers and instead focus on the more important human aspects of the game that no judge will consider. Miraculously, we all left the place relatively in tact. That makes us winners. Winners with low scores, but still winners.

STARBLAZERS Movie?!?

Wow.

Every once in a while, I hit IMDB and Google to see if there’s any word about a STARBLAZERS movie. There never is. A couple days ago, I looked again, and there was nothing.

Check out this AINT IT COOL article: http://www.aintitcool.com/node/43510

The trailer isn’t spectacular, but it sure is nostalgic. It’s 33 seconds long, and I was WOWing and OOHing and AHHHHing through the whole thing. It would’ve been a gift from the heavens if they showed them firing the WAVE MOTION GUN, but they were just priming it.

I hope it’s good, and I hope it’s accessible.