The Oscars 2008

PROLOGUE
I wasn't planning on doing a running dialog. I was working on something else and using my slingbox to watch the awards. Then I felt obligated to make some comments about the Catherine Heigl appeareance, and didn't stop. I backfilled comments on what happened before that.

The keen observer may detect that I'm not a big fan of the oscars. I love movies. I like to watch them, comment on them, discuss them (at a shallow level) and add them to my DVD collection. I even have a site for that purpose. But, at the same time, I'm not real big on people celebrating themselves. A lot of it is really pretentious and meaningless. As you'll see later, I lost a lot of respect for Cate Blanchette in a span of about 2 minutes. Additionally, we have to listen to the opinions of people (often political), when I'm not interested in their opinions. You're an actor. Act. If you want be political, be a politician. Or, at least respect that the oscar show is an entertainment soap box, not a political one, and choose the proper venue to exercise your american right to speak your mind. (Incidentally, there wasn't too much of that this year).

I make fun of a lot of things. I found the soldiers in Iraq bit particularly annoying. Its a matter of perspective. Maybe that was the highlight of their tour, in which case, good for them. If they got enjoyment out of it, they deserved it. No foul. But, the way I see it is: "Hey, we're over here getting shot at and bombed every day. Do you think maybe you can melt down that statue into a flat plate so I can wear it under my shirt? That'd be awesome. If not, have fun clapping each other on the back and celebrating how awesome you all are." Of course, the converse of that is that they're fighting so that we can carry on with our daily lives in a normal fashion. The normal fashion includes the Oscars, but if something now seems so much less important, shouldn't it be treated as such?

I understand that this is huge for the people winning the awards, and I'm happy for them. But, you don't need to wear an 8 thousand dollar gown to a show that's trying to convince us to go green. How green is a convention center filled with thousands of people that have spent the last year creating massive movies? What's the electric bill for tonight alone nevermind all of the work and energy that lead up to it over the course of the hundreds of movies that made the event possible?

When I'm done with this blog, I'll probably go watch some TV or play some XBOX 360. Or maybe I'll surf the web and read the latest on AintItCoolNews. I'll mentally record some material for banter with the guys at work tomorrow. But, I'll always remember that its trivial, and I won't pretend its anything more than that. I certainly won't get on stage and high-five myself for winning a race in Burnout Paradise, nor will I thank God or my family for my computer skills.


Lastly: This is a rant. I typed it as it happened via our DVR. I'm going to give it one cleanup pass to fix whatever typos I happen to notice, but I'm not going to fundamentally change a single thing. It'll be a mess. Roll with it. I made one huge mistake that I'm really tempted to correct, but I won't.


Now, on to the 80th Annual academy awards.

Opening special effects... that was neat.
Opening monologue.. i'm a huge Jon Stewaret fan, but not funny.

Jennifer Garner - I'm not going to enjoy this show at all. I like Jennifer Garner, too, but everything about this is so pretentious. This will probably drive me mad.

Steve Carrell and Anne Hathaway... .mildly amusing.

Catherine Hiegel - So you're nervous... so what? There's no need to share that with us. ACT like you're not nervous. The music starts up during the acceptance speech again.. what was the award again?

John Stewart introduces the first musical. He's singing enchanted himself... not funny. Now Amy Adams is in character. I'm really annoyed already, and she's only sung about 8 words. I'm impressed that the actress can sing her own part, though. It doesn't make it any less tolerable, just a little more respectful. Gina just fast forwarded through the rest of it. Thank god.

Flashback to Cateherine Zeta Jones and Michael Douglas... who cares.

Back from the commercial. A few more jokes. Not funny still. Here comes The Rock to introduce the special effects award. He's reflecting on his Raiders of the Lost Ark experience... tolerable.
Nominees: Golden Compass, Pirates of the Carribean at Worlds End, Transformers.
My vote: Transformers (didn't see golden compass though)
Crap. Golden Compass won.
Gina fast forwarded through the acceptance speech.

Cate Blanchett, double nominee is there to present Art Direction.
Shot of Harrison Ford and Ally McBeal. Its good to see those kids gettig along.
American Gangster, Atonement, Golden Compass, Sweeney Todd, There will be Blood
I haven't seen any of these movies. I would like to see American Gangster and There Will Be Blood.
I have no opinion on this award.
Uhhhh... was too busy typing. Who won? Fastforward through the acceptance speech. Flash of Johnny Depp... probably Sweeney Todd, then.

Jon Steward kissing up to Cate Blanchette... waiting for the bad joke. There it is... Cate was a pitbull. Double-whammy.... now she's playing Jon Stewart.

Flashbacks to previous presenters. Interesting. Yay. Cuba Gooding Jr won in 1997... way to keep your compsure. Everyone claps politely (in flashback), then standing O, trying to get him to shut up.

Enter jennifer Hudson. Not what I was expecting because Jennifer Hudson is not Kate Hudson, and I was expecting Kate Hudson. Not that there's anything wrong with Jennifer.... its just that Kate came to mind.
Nominees: Casey Affleck in Jesse James, some complicated name in No Country for Old Men, Philip Seymour Hoffman in Charlie Wilson's War. (I never got to that either). Hal Holbrook in into the Wild. I only saw NO COUNTRY, so no preference here. Hey, the kid in INTO THE WILD is the kid from Speed Racer, right? Tom Wilkinson in Michael Clayton. He's always good. I'll change my vote to him just because he usually deserves it. The guy with the complicated name won for NO COUNTRY. Javier? Gina's not fast forwarding through this. Can we infer anything from that? Either she's out cold or is interested in this guy. He's speaking fast in spanish. Previously he made a hair cut joke which, while I didn't laugh, I at least considered laughing.

Fast forward through commercials.

Better luck this time Jon. Lets see what happens. He just proclaimed that Javier had a moment, and now he's translating the spanish. "I believe he told his mother where the library is". Impomptu? yes. Funny? Sorry. Now for a salute to binoculars and periscopes. This is.... educational? Useful? I don't know. Seems pointless. There's a writers joke in there somewhere, but I find it pointless. BAD DREAMS : AN OSCAR SALUTE. Everyone's waking up. Fantastic. Are the writers REALLY back to work? If so, what are they doing?

The star of August Rush, Kerri Russel. Oh oh, another nominated song. Is she going to sing too, or is Amy Adams the exception? Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah... talk more talk more talk more talk, now a performance of RAISE IT UP. Now would be a good time to fast forward. If I have to sit through the entire song, I can't be held responsible for my actions. Ok, there we go. Fast forwarded... stopped a little early, more fast forwarding.

Jon applauds. Wait for it... complimenting an 11 year old singer.

Now for academy awared nominee... Owen Wilson??? What was he nominated for? Playing the same character in the most consecutive movies? He's presenting live action short film.... he playing it straight. Maybe he's nervous about not having Vince Vaughn or Will Ferrell around. They introduced all of the short movies, but I wasn't paying attention. LE MOZARD DES PICK POCKETS won. Fast forward through the speech.

Oh boy. The bee from THE BEE MOVIE is presenting. It sounds a lot like Jerry Seinfeld. Unfunny clips of movies that have bees. Waiting for tommy boy..... There's rushmore. The Swarm. No Tommy Boy. I guess there weren't actually bees in there, just an emulation of them. Presenting short film (not live action). A few foreign movies that I can't keep up with, but the aimation is interesting in all of them. Peter and the Wolf looks like its form the 1950s.... hey, it won? Must've been a good movie despite barbaric animation. (I only saw a quick clip, but it looked like old school stop motion). Fastforward through the speech.

More flashbacks of previous presenters. We might've just skipped an award, but I'm not sure.

More clips for best supporting actress. Hey, there's jennifer hudson again. Looks like she won something somewhere along the way. Alan Arkin presents. Wasn't he in Jerky Boys? What happened there... "Golden age is still alive...". Here's one of Cate Blanchett's first nomination. She's playing Bob Dylan. Isn't Bob a guy? I'll check IMDB. Ruby Dee in American Gangster. Never heard of her and I didn't see the movie. Good luck. She's staring gape mouthed at her own performance. A girl from atonement.... didn't see it either, but she looks like she's good at repeating the same line over an over. Amy Ryan in Gone Baby Gone. I did see that. She played boston white trailer trash very well. "Its really Haa(r)d being a motha". Woman from Michael Clayton... missed the name. Do people still wear pearl necklaces, or is she eccentric? She looks familiar... was she the queen in NARNIA. She was excellent in that (if it was her). Her name is Tilda Swinshon and she just won. Assuming she was in Narnia, I concur. Awkard and stuttering at the microphone... comparing the statue to her agent. Sure, say "buttocks". Its ok. We won't judge you. Music should start any second now... i have the feeling she'll keep going anyway. Thanking 45 people at a leisurely pace. Batman and Robin joke. I like her.... saying George Clooney still dresses up as batman every day. She beat the music. That was a pleasant win.

More clips from previous awards. Jessica Alba is coming up after the commercials. Fast forward. Oh yes. Fast forward. Keep going. I don't want an acura. I'm not painting my house. Ok, here's Jessica Alba. God what died on her chest? Some purple monstrosity... it may be eating her alive. Jessica had the honor of presenting the SCIENTIFICAL TECHNICAL awards. She's blasting through the winners. Lets make sure they feel good about themselves even though the academy couldn't skip some bad jokes and make room for them in the prime time show. Oh, Jessica's pregnant. I forgot about that. Jon was kind enough to remind me. Cate is pregnant too. Coincidence? Probably.

Josh Brolin and James McAvoy(?) are presenting now. Apparently they've been practicing. They're doing famous lines. Now he's apoogizing to Jack Nicholson for a bad impression. That was good... not forced, not pretentious. The nominees for something are ATONEMENT, AWAY FROM HER, DIVING BELL AND THE BUTTERFLY, and NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN, THERE WILL BE BLOOD. Looks like its a music award. No preference here. NO COUNTRY won. While they do their thing: Sarah Polley directed one of the nominated movies. Good for her. Isn't she in her mid to late 20s, thereabouts? Excellent work. Acceptance speech... not fast forwarding. Gina must be snoring. These guys are awkward, but handled it well.

Now for the president of the academy of.... something something and something. What's this all about? Tip: Never start a story with "A lot of people ask me...". This guy seems down to earth, which I always like to see. He's calm and collected, comfortable at his task. Now we're getting a tutorial of how the academy works. This is cool. I've always been curious. I'm not sure if a 2 minute clip will satiate my thrist for knowledge, but we'll see. Now they're making jokes about how they choose their winners. Now clips to previous jokes about academy voting. PWC does the ballot counting. The president just got a door slammed on his face.

Back to Mr. Stewart. "That was amazing". Well said, sir. Well said. Political joke about super delegates. Welcome Mylie Syrus? Who's she? Oh boy, another song from enchanted. Maybe this is a disney girl. She's well composed though a little rehearsed... never stopped to take a breath. Ok there's singing now. Why aren't we fast forwarding? I should call my mother-in-law to see if she can stop by and see if Gina's ok. I couldn't possibly stop blogging long enough to go check for myself. If a commercial comes on and she doesn't fast forward, I'll probably have to call 911. I think this song is an Al Quaeda torture technique. Ok, good, we're fast forwarding. Not far enough, but I appreciate the effort. Will this ever end?

Commercials. Fast forward. The superman chic is in a Loreal commercial. I just read she's going to be in the wolverine movie, i think? was that it?

Jon Stewart. Jessica Alba is pregnant. Cate Blanchett is pregnant, and so is Nicole Kidman. "The baby goes to.... Angelina Jolie". Ok, that was funny. "Its tough to get 17 babysitters on oscar night".

Judy Dench and Halle Berry. I REALLY hope the make some James Bond jokes. Hey, that's not them. Its the SUPER BAD guys running their lines. This might be funny.... Ok, its funnyish. They're arguing about who should play Halle Berry. Best sound editting: Bourne Ultimatum... i saw that! No Country... I saw that too! Ratatoille... there goes my win streak. Didn't see it. There will be blood. Didn't see it. Transofmers.... Once again, I vote for Transfomers. Once again, it didn't win. Bourne Ultimatum is a good alternative though.

Tranformers should win technical type awards. Its nearly flawless. I really like Bourne Ultimatum too, but the sound isn't a real memorable part of it. Acceptance speech. "Golly, I drew a blank". "Gee wiz, me too. Boy, we're awkward. Hey, we were lying about drawing a blank, but blew it." Here comes the music. Get off the stage. Go. Get off the stage. Here's non-halle and non-judy dench again. More variations of the same joke. Now for sound mixing: Bourne Ultimatum again, No Country, Ratatouille, 3:10 to Yuma, Transfomers. I'll vote for transformers, but will expect BOURNE to win again. The winner is.... Bourne. 3 people making their way to the stage. I can't wait. The bourne trilogy is excellent.... I give all 3 of them highest ratings. One guy wants to kiss non-halle berry. The guy on the right can't stand still. Fast forwarding....

Best actress flashbacks, some emotional memories. The real halle berry... shut up! Its a statue. Your an actress. Save the world, then cry. Until then, pretend you're a professional.

Forest Wittaker presents. Good Morning Vietnam was a good movie. I haven't seen VANTAGE POINT yet. He's talking about Marlon Brando. Finally, the best actress nominees. Cate Blanchette in Elizabeth. She should win everything she gets nominated for. Now she's grimacing at her performance. Judy Christi in Away from Her.... never heard of it. She doesn't grimace at herself. The next one is a foreign name in a foreign film. I'd love to type it in, but I only know american words. She smiles at her own performance. Well done. Laura Linney in the Savaages. I didn't hear of this either. She mentioned B26. I don't know what B26 is, but District B13 is a blast. Ellen Paige in Juno. I really want to see Juno.... looks and sounds like a cool movie. The actress seems very good from what I've seen. The foreign lady got it. Cate Blanchette just burst into an excited onslaugh of applause. I've lost a lot of respect for her in the last 2 minutes... really fraudulent. Polite appluse would've been sufficient. If you don't want to win, stop showing up. Acceptance speech... "you rocked my life..." fast forward.

Oh, they're playing the WII. Jon and... Jemiah? Who's she? Ooops, the cameras are on... feign shock. That was funny... WII on a 40 foot screen is good stuff.

Colin Farrell is presenting something. Loved his work in scrubs. He's making floor cleaning recommendations to the maintenance staff. Now he's introducing.... oh no, here we go again... another song. "Falling Slowly" from the movie Once. I'm watching this via a slingbox, so I can choose to go fastforward myself, but that might break my rhythm. Should I risk it, or is Gina going to get on the ball and fast forward? I guess she likes this song, so I'll use this time to talk about my cold. Its fresh on my mind because I just finished coughing. I've had it since wednesday of last week (i think). At first it was a sore throat, which sucked. I thought it would pass after that. Since then, I've been slightly congested and blowing my nose a lot. But, honestly, I don't mind too much. I'd prefer to not have it, but its better than a sore throat. I can deal with blowing my nose. Ok... a little fast forwarding. Not much. Back to the program.

Jack Nicholson is presenting. I think that's an automatic standing ovation. Jack loves the movies. They entertain, they offer hope, they give us dramas, they take us to places we've never been. He seems bored. They inspire us, challenge us, and despite our differences they are the common something with humanity.... yadda yadda... I kept up pretty good for a while there. The best picture nominees... Flashbacks to previous awards. The first several are black and white. My monitor is broken in the lower right corner (see previous post) so I can't see the years, but I think they're showing every year. I could reduce the size of the window, but then how would I type? Hey, we're into the color movies now. Oh wait, more black and white. How'd that happen? Color again. THE BRIDGE OVER THE RIVER KWAI... that was good. BEN HUR... we once watched the 2nd 1/2 not realizing we missed the first 1/2. Awkard. Oliver... I think I remember that. Patton. French Connection. Godfather. Sting. Godfather Part 2. Cuckoos Nest... that was great. Rocky. Annie Hall. Deer Hunter. Kramer Vs. Kramer. Ordinary People. Chariots of Fire. Ghandi. Terms of Endearment. Amadeus. Out of Africa. Platoon. The Last Emperor. Rain Man. Driving Miss Daisy. Dances with Wolves. Silence of the Lambs. Unforgiven. Schindlers List. Forrest Gump. Brave Heart. English Patient. Titanic. Shakespeare in Love. Americal Beauty. Gladiator. Beautiful Mind. Chicago. LOTR:ROTK. million dollar baby, crash, departed..... now..... ummmm..... Rene Zellwegger. The nominees: Bourne... really? I liked it, but doesn't seem like best picture caliber. DIVING BELL. Heard of it. Into the Wild. No Country. There will be blood. Hopefully Bourne. Wow!!!!! It won?!!?!?! That's amazing. I never would've thought that as a best picture. It doesn't seem academyish. I gave it a 5 and loved it. Fast forward.

Is this the end of the show? I thought that was usually the last award. Jon's bonding with the orchestra.

I guess its not over. Nicole Kidman, start of a new untilted film, is presenting. Is she really pregnant? I watched TO DIE FOR a couple weeks ago. Good movie. Ok, enough with the chit chat. Lets get on with it. Its an award for Robert Boyle, an art guy for 7 decades over 100 films. He's 98 now. My office just got hot.... or maybe its been hot all along, but I was so engrossed with blogging that I didn't notice it. I definitely have to turn the fan on. Pardon me. Ok, I'm back. They're still showing the clips from Robert's body of work. This award seems unfair. He's the only nominee... how's can he possibly lose? This is a gimme if I ever saw one. Oh, I see. Its an honorary oscar. I'd like one of those. Obligatory standing ovation... he's 98. Sure, flaunt how easy it is for you stand. Make it uncomfortable for him. Now he feels like he has to stand too. He's hardly hanging on... lets wrap up the clapping so he can do his thing. He's still sharp as a tack (assuming he has always been.) Well spoken, thanking people, reflection, etc. Oops... a little stammering. Hang in there Robert. He's talking about people I never heard of, which is understandable. Talking about a guy named Hitch, and his wife (was there something going on between those 2?). They're showing a balcony of people who are presumably his family. He has this whole speech memorized... unless there's a teleprompter that I don't see, but he's looking around, so I don't think so. There's Harrison and Ally again. How does that happen? Is that Viggo? Seriously, the next time you have a big fight scene, wear some clothes. Then we can watch it. Eastern Promises was more disturbing than Borat. Speech is over... I feel another standing O coming on. Well, we can't see it. They're going to a commercial. Fast forward.

Jon Stewart. Bring it. Laughing at himself. Technical glitch; restart the show. Not funny. Here's Penelope Cruz with some linguistic jokes. She speaks four languages. Maybe she should perfect one. Well, maybe not. The accent is part of her presence I suppose. She's introducing foreign movies... is this a foreign movie award? I think they're all war based, so obviously nothing from France. Oh, a dancing movie from russia. The COUNTERFEITERS won. I think I heard an article about that on NPR. A bunch of people were "recruited" by the Nazis to make foreign currency. It was an interesting story. I'll have to rent it.

Patrick Dempsey from enchanted to introduce another song, also from Enchanted. That's 3 from Enchanted and one from something else. I don't need to hear this. Cut to commerical, please. I'd prefer one of the PC/MAC commercials over this, which is desperate. Ok, fast forward. Nice. Polite applause.

John Travolta is going to present... what... best song finally, or are they going to drag it out more? He's dancing. Swell. Really flex your acting muscle there. Its one of his favorite categories. Good to know. That will really help me make important future decisions. Recap of the painful nominees. Oh, there was another non-enchanted. AUGUST RUSH. My bad. Hopefully one of the non-enchanted wins. I don't care which. ONCE won. That's good. Now I don't have to do one of these things: #&$(*@ to mask my true feelings. I did it anyway, but the difference is that I chose to do it. I didn't have to do it. Its all about choice, people. Get out there and vote. Go Obama. If a repulican has to win, I'm voting for McCain. He seems honorable.

Jon Stewart just called the previous guy arrogant. That's my type of humor. Someone illegally parked a boeing. Jon Travolta came back on stage to collect his keys so he can move it. Eh. It was ok.

Fast forward through Mr. Spieldberg and commercials. Bringing out someone to say thanks... she didn't get an opportunity to do it earlier. That's nice. Its her first win, and she didn't get to speak, so rectify the situation. I approve. Of course, if this is what she said the first time through, we'd probably fast forward, but the preamble made it interesting.

Cameron Diaz.... I remember her. She managed three words before bumbling. Her air head is unusually anchored, or am I just stereotyping her from charlies angels? She's presenting cinematography. Is this show ever going to end? Jesse James, Atonement, Diving Bell, No Country, There Will Be Blood. I'll vote for no country. The cinematography is what made it good. It was an intersting movie, but really not about anything. All the good guys die and the bad guy lives. Whoopty Doo. There Will Be Blood won. Previously nominated for Good Night and Good Luck. I haven't seen that yet either.

Here's Hilary Swank to present something. Million Dollar Baby is worthy. The Next Karate Kid is not. Oh, the dead-person list. Lets see if Heath gets a standing O even though he essentially killed himself. So far, I don't know anyone... polite applause. You'd think I'd recognize someone by now, but I don't. The kid from HOOK is dead???? That's sad. How'd that happen? Its been a bad year for young actors. Karate Kid cinematographer. God Father editor. GLORY cinematographer (I think that was glory, anyway). Heath Ledger. The last one. What about Brad Renfro? Did I miss it?

Update: The kid from Hook, RUFIO, is not dead according to IMDB. It must've been covering someone else involved with Hook, but I only saw the image of Rufio. My bad. Sorry if I scared you.

Amy Adams presenting. At least she's not singing. She's presenting musical scores. Atonement, Kite Runner, missed one, Ratataouille, 3:10 to Yuma. The non-loser: Atonement. Fast forward. Fast Forward.

Jon Stewart. Tom Hanks is presenting. Jon Stewart is giving him a hard time. Kudos. Goody... politics. Satellite feed from Baghdad. Swell. I was too busy typing and deleting stuff to notice what the award is for. At first I thought the Iraq thing was a useless stunt, but at least they're introducing nominees. The academy awards and people in Iraq are the exact opposite. If you're in Iraq, how meaningless is the academy awards? Sure, that's what they're defending, but if you get shot at for a living do you want to participate in the presentation of a statue for acting? The award is for documentaries. Gina's going a little nuts with the fast forward. I think we missed some stuff.

Commerical.

We're back. The next presenter is Harrison Ford, so make a car joke. Clever. Indiana Jones Music. I'm giddy. "Movies are made of ideas, and picture, and words." I'm pretty sure he's in a coma. Ally should go get him. This is the best screenplay. Juno, Lars and the Real Girl (that looks disturbing), Michael Clayton, Ratatouille, Savages (that was nominated for something else too). The oscar goes to : Diablo Cody for Juno. Excellent. Oh, this is going to be ugly. She's already in tears. Poor choice of tattoos. I say that primarily because we can see it. "This is for the writers". Please. She's keeping it together ok. Dropping some names. Quick cut to the actress applauding. Now to the director looking like he's really concentrating on the speech. Thanking the family, losing it, running off stage.

Best actor, director, and picture is coming up. Clearly I messed something up earlier because I thought they already did best picture and bourne won. What award was that then? Thankfully this is just a rant and not a historical document, because I'm messing up everything.

Oh oh. We lost the end of it. The DVR stopped promptly at 11:30. Oh, gina found the rest of it in real time. We're ok. Don't panic.

Daniel Day Lewis won best actor. I didn't see it, but he's always good. Gangs of New York was excellent.

I'm still bothered about the best movie mishap. What was that other award for? God! Maybe I have a minute to jump over to IMDB... hold please. It won sound editting. Maybe that was it. How in the name of all that is holy did I get that mixed up? Apparently I shouldn't multi-task. That supports my theory that Bourne, while a great movie, doesn't seem nominee'ish. Stay tuned. If it wins again, I'll delete this paragraph with extreme prejudice.

Oh, hey, maybe they showed all of the best pictures, then jumped back to the other award and I missed the transition. That could be it. (I don't care enough to watch it again.)

Flashback to previous winners of best director. Martin Scorcese, last year's winner, is presenting. No Country For Old Men won. The coen brothers are back. I missed most of their first appearance, but seems funny.

Denzel is presenting now. Where's Billy Crystal through all this?
Best picture nomieens: Atonement, Juno, Michael Clayton, No Country for Old Men, There Will Be Blood. Bourne isn't in there. NO COUNTRY won. I disagree. I saw it, and thought it was a good looking movie, but nothing spectacular. The plot left me unfulfilled.

I think we're just about done. Jon Stewart is thaking us. Good night.