Mickey Mouse vs. Special Agent Oso: Rumble in the Clubhouse

 

Over the last 19 months and 1 week, I have watched quite a bit of the Disney channel. Some of it I like. Some of I don’t. “Phineas and Ferb” is genius; I love that show. However, that is a story for another day.

Today I would like to discuss Mickey Mouse and Special Agent Oso. They both have educational shows on the Disney Channel. They both help your children, and mine, learn family values, how to count, and how to recite the alphabet.

Mickey is a good teacher, a good friend in Mickey land, and a pleasant character. He asks questions and assumes the answers. As he does so, you sense that he is teaching. In order to teach you must know the answer to that which you ask. He leads you to the answers, and you feel happy to participate. But, if you weren’t there to provide the answers, Mickey would be ok. He doesn’t need you, but he likes your company and wants you to join in.

Special Agent Oso is a complete idiot. He is the dumbest fictional character I have seen on the Disney channel. When he asks the audience questions, it’s because he honestly doesn’t know the answer even though his stupid watch gave him the exact answer a few scant moments before. It’s as if they put a brain in him just so they could remove it. It’s hard to watch. How did this guy become a special agent? Surely even in the fictional world of espionage there is some set of standards that a fictional animal based character must meet in order to enter the program. Oso is a hair dumber than a pineapple, so it makes more sense to allow a fruit salad into the agency than this guy.

I’m often reminded of the equally awful movie AI, in which a stupid robot boy finds himself stuck at the bottom of the ocean for a few millennia accompanied only by a teddy bear. I always felt bad for the teddy bear because he had to sit next to the Sixth Sense kid that whole time, and listen to his useless babbling. Fortunately, he was only a teddy bear and probably didn’t possess auditory capabilities, but let’s suppose he did. By Oso standards, that teddy bear is a genius and should be president of the universe. Not only did he have the physical prowess, but he also had the mental toughness that can only be obtained from thousands of years of psychological torture. Oso is at the opposite end of the spectrum.

Here’s what I propose: We need a Micky Mouse / Special Agent Oso cross over episode in which Mickey can really lay the hurt onto Agent Oso. To be fair, the showdown should occur in a neutral location; maybe Handy Manny wouldn’t mind if they use his town. All 3 shows are 3Dish, so it should all render just fine.

Once all key personnel have arrived in Manny land, we need a way to provoke the fight. Mickey is too much of a nice guy to do anything, and Oso can hardly put together a sentence never mind initiate an offensive action. So, we need a third party intervention. I live in the real world, so can’t directly participate, but I can push some buttons. I never trusted Pluto; he has a mean streak in him. I can throw him a couple Scooby-snacks to buy his loyalty. Then I can instruct him to steal a pair of Minnie Mouse’s underwear and tell Oso that they’re a ski mask for his next special mission: “Get Your Ass kicked in 3 easy steps:

Step 1: Put Minnie’s underwear on your head because someone said they’re a ski mask and you’re too dumb to know otherwise

Step 2: Find Mickey

Step 3: Get Your Ass kicked“

I think that’s all it will take. Paw Pilot might be a problem, but once she’s done outlining the 3 simple steps, we have no further use for her. The watch will have a urine related “accident”, courtesy of our good friend Pluto and a couple more Scooby-Snacks.

Then it’s on. Mickey will completely flip out. “Hey kids, do you think I should evicerate Oso then tear his head off?” Pause to await an answer. “Alllllll right!”. Then the assault will begin in earnest.

We must not forget that despite being a dolt, Oso is still a Panda. As we learned in Kung Fun panda, he may have some defensive instincts that override his stupidity instincts. Mickey’s ears are particularly vulnerable… why did evolution put those things on the outside? It’s possible that Mickey will get a nick or two, but honestly, does it matter? His ears are big enough to provide DirectTv to the entire population of Mickey land. A nick or two isn’t going to matter.

In the end, Mickey will prevail. He will beat the stuffing from Special Agent Oso. It’ll be vicious and rewarding. But then, after he tears Oso’s stupid head from his stupid body and uses it a foot rest, he’s going to realize that it takes two to tango, and his next target will be Minnie. But, Mickey is a good guy despite his fury. He’s not going murder her, but he will speak harshly to her and make her feel bad about herself. He’ll tell her that she looks like a prostitute wearing those stupid high heels. But, he will inadvertently offend Daisy Duck in the process because she too wears the prostitute shoes. Daisy will get over it, though, because she has always been deeply in love with Mickey, and will overlook the insult especially now that Minnie is out of the picture. We can safely expect Minnie to kill herself within an episode of two which, to be honest, is a good thing. She’s still living in the 1950s. She doesn’t appreciate or value the role of women in the world today, and is content to sit at home waiting on the boys. It’s disgrace to women, fictional and non-fictional, everywhere.

And then the carnage is done. Oso is dead, Minnie is out of the picture and likely to be dead shortly, and Daisy has a real shot at bringing her deranged Mickey related fantasies to life (especially if he actually likes the prostitute shoes and was only lashing out). The only victim in all of this is Handy Manny who has to clean up the mess. There will be stuffing everywhere, not to mention the emotional damage to the residents of his tool belt. But, fortunately he has his super big latex work gloves to protect him from AIDS and other communicable diseases that are likely to pollute the remnants of the battle; Every time he puts the gloves on, he is reminded of his last outing to the Hostel where he engaged in recreational kidding. Seriously… have you seen the gloves?

I hope you enjoyed this adventure. Now it’s time for the hot-dog dance. See you reallllll soon!